I'm a mom. I have O.C.D.

Contamination OCD and cleaning the bathroom

2012-02-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

So - today I got around to cleaning the bathroom.

I HATE cleaning the bathroom. It's my least favorite room in the house. Followed by the kitchen, then the laundry room.

So, I thought I'd detail my cleaning process - so you can see how this OCD'er tackles one of her worst fears.

1. First, I put on disposable gloves. Disposables are great! I've never understood why you'd want the regular rubber gloves that you keep forever. Because you put them on so you don't dirty your hands. But then, if you don't wash the gloves - they are DIRTY the next time you go to use them. Hello - cross-contamination. NOT an OCD'ers best friend.

Source: amazon.com via Shana on Pinterest

2. After I have my handy dandy disposable gloves on, I squirt the toilet cleaner in the bowl of the toilet. Then I toss those disposable gloves. Because I'm worried about toilet germs - and because I might have gotten toilet cleaner on them. Even though I watched carefully to make sure I didn't. (Total obsessive thought, I know.)

3. Then, I get a new pair of disposable gloves. Once I'm garbed up, I grab my Clorox Wipes. They are my favorite, right after disposable gloves. AND - let me just say - this is a HUGE improvement for me with OCD. Chemicals are right up there on my feared list - right behind germs. It's such a catch 22. I'm afraid of the germs, but I'm also afraid of the chemicals. SO, the fact that I'll even use chemicals in the first place is a big deal for me. (Okay, so I'm suited up in nitrile gloves. Sue me.)

Source: amazon.com via Shana on Pinterest

4. I wipe down surfaces in this order, from least dirty to most dirty, in my mind. And it HAS to be in this order.

*Mirrors, lightswitches, and doorknobs
*Sink and cabinetry
*Floor and scale - everywhere EXCEPT by the toilet - that comes later
*Bathtub edge that collects dust
*Toilet from top of tank down to the bottom, EXCEPT For the underside of the toilet seat
*Floor around the toilet and garbage can
*The underside of the toilet seat.
(Seriously, I wonder - how many people take this much thought into which item they clean first due to it's contamination level? Is this something that only plagues OCD'ers?)

5. Then I scrub the toilet. It's had a good 10 minutes for the cleaner to sit, so bonus. :)

6. Now I toss the gloves. :) I mean, seriously - who would want to save gloves that have cleaned the toilet?

7. Now I have to shower. EVERYTHING I was wearing goes in the laundry to be washed. (Hence why I fear the dirty laundry. All my clothes that get put in there do so because they are contaminated, not just dirty.)

8. I clean the shower - since I have to get in it anyway - with Comet - but it has to be the soft scrub. Because the powder makes such a mess - both at the store and at home. I'm always afraid to buy the powder because it never fails that the cans are covered in a fine dusting of it - and then everything I touch after that is contaminated. But I really like the soft scrub with a good sponge. And the sponge I will rinse out well and save for next time.

Source: amazon.com via Shana on Pinterest

So, there you have it. That's how I face one of my fears. I know there's probably room for improvement. And maybe one day I'll be able to do it without the intense fear that comes with obsessions.

Flip of a switch - Drop of a Hat - Whatever - Sayonara, Sucker!

2012-01-31T18:10:00.000-08:00

I don't know what, or why, or how - but tonight at dinner, Depression disappeared.

I was sitting at the table, talking with my family - and it was like a switch just flipped. All of a sudden, things were interesting. I actually felt interested in what was going on around me. I felt hope. I wanted to crochet again. (I know depression's really bad when I don't even want to crochet. )

It was like night and day. With no warning. Bam! Hit me like a ton of bricks. Okay, so there's 3 cliches in one post. I think that's enough. :)

Maybe it had to do with the fact that I had a nap this morning.
Maybe it was because the sunshine decided to come out to play today.
Maybe it was because I downed a Diet Mt. Dew an hour before dinner.
Maybe it was because today I resisted ALL junk food (except for the Diet Dew) - even though that's all I wanted to eat.
Maybe it was because I fixed a dang good and delicious dinner. And burned nothing. lol

Who knows? Maybe my brain just had enough of being depressed.

Whatever the reason, I'll take it. And now I'm going to go crochet and watch Drop Dead Diva. Have you guys seen that show? I ♥ it. :)

Blame it on the Rain....

2012-01-30T11:12:00.000-08:00

Okay, how many of you now have this song stuck in your head?

Oh, how music videos have changed.

Anyway, still fighting the depression. And we haven't had any rain to blame it on. But we haven't had much sunshine either, so I'm gonna blame it on the sun. :) I think we had a little bit on Friday around 10 am, when I was in the shower - it was coming through my bathroom window.....but none all that week before that, and none since. I really miss the sunshine. (The big yellow one's the SUN!)

And lest some of you think I'm perfect at fighting this, I have had some donuts. :)

Just checking in

2012-01-24T14:29:00.000-08:00

Not much to say today. Except that depression is here hard core. It's been going on for about a week. And I have some idea that I know what's causing it.

No, scratch that - I am 100 % sure that I know what's causing it. Messed up chemicals in my brain responding to a situation that I have no control over. Go figure. :)

Anyway, I'm toughing this one out.

*I'm eating healthily and exercising, even though what I want to do is sit on the couch and eat a dozen donuts. But I know I'll feel better after Zumba and a Green Smoothie than I would trying to fight off the sugar coma that comes from eating a dozen donuts. (Yes, I've been there. I know exactly what that's like)

*I'm trying to find ways to help other people - because service does help me get out of my own head for a bit.

*I'm doing what needs to be done instead of curling up in bed for a nap. And yes, I have a super soft down comforter on my bed that's ~~calling~~ screaming my name.

*I'm taking my B-12 supplements. I'd gotten out of the habit lately. Maybe that's part of the problem?

*I'm listening to music I enjoy.

And most of all, I'm just "being". - Trying to not worry about what's coming tomorrow - or later today, for that matter. Trying not to worry about my place in eternity - or if there is an eternity. Trying to focus on just being here, in the now, and not feeling guilty that I'm not enjoying it. Trying not to feel anything. Trying to just be. Isn't that kind of Zen? :) And I'm getting pretty good at it. Until the kids get home from school, anyway. Kids don't wanna just be. They wanna be LOUDLY. ;)

OCD, perfection, and repetition

2012-01-19T08:59:00.000-08:00

So - I didn't notice I had OCD until I was 21.

But long before that, I always strove for perfection. I was very much a perfectionist. But I didn't realize it at the time. I was so much so, that if I couldn't get something right the first time, I would avoid it. Especially in social situations.

I always wanted to be the center of attention. But a moment would come for me to speak up, and I'd get so befuddled in my head with what I wanted to say that I'd either really screw it up or or just be too afraid to say anything, for fear I'd get it wrong. Then I'd spend hours rehashing in my head what I would have said. The same thing. Over and over and over. Until it felt right.

I didn't even think about this being related to OCD.

But this morning at Zumba, I said something to a friend on the way out of class. Then, all the way to the car, I found myself repeating the same phrase over and over in my head. It was a meaningless phrase. But it didn't feel right. Had it come across right to my friend? It almost became a rhythm to match my steps as I walked to the car. By the time I'd repeated it 6 or 7 times in my head, I caught myself and what I was doing. How was this any different than checking a lightswitch? Or a doorknob? Or an iron? Or a stove?

Yep, OCD has found another way into my life.

I am grateful, though, that I have the ability to realize it, and to keep it in check. And - that it only happens in my head and not out loud.

I've been realizing lately that my daughter is showing signs of this.

This is my 9 year old girlie. Isn't she cute? :)

Often, she'll tell me a story or something that happened to her. Then, a couple minutes later, she's back telling me the same thing. Then she'll come back again and say the part that was significant to her over to me again. Then, I'll hear her mumbling the same thing over and over.

My poor girlie. It worries me that she will end up like me. Not that I'm not a fabulous person. :) Despite my mental illness, I think I am pretty darn awesome. lol. But I think all parents want the best for their children. And I really don't want her to have to suffer through this garbage.

Youtube reading my subconscious?

2012-01-06T20:38:00.000-08:00

My husband sent me a link to a youtube video about service today. That's not the video I'm sharing here. :)

The video I am sharing here was a suggested related video. How it's related? I have no idea. The content isn't similar, and it wasn't shared by the same person. Perhaps Youtube is now as relevant as Google ads and knows my every move before I even think it? ;)

Anyway, the poor girl in this video reminds me of me at my worst. I pray she finds help for her issues.

A word about meds

2012-01-01T19:22:00.000-08:00

I know I was excited to go off all my meds, just a bit ago.

But now I am back on Prozac. I am still off the Risperidone and I will never go back!

I didn't start taking the prozac again for OCD, though. The OCD was still in check. And Prozac didn't do anything for OCD anyway.

I am taking the Prozac so I don't kill people.

When I was off the prozac, even the smallest, stupidest thing would send me into a rage with no warning. It was scary. I was scared for anyone who crossed me. (Which could have been done by doing something as simple as sneezing loudly.)

I wonder if it was because I didn't taper of the prozac like I did the risperidone. What I was experiencing may have been withdrawl symptoms. The surgeon just told me not to take it the day before my surgery, and then I felt so crummy for so long, and I was taking all kinds of pain pills and antibiotics anyway, that I just forgot to start back up.

So - we'll see. I have been back on the prozac for a couple of weeks, and I am on a much more even keel. Maybe I just need help.

Who knows? Life as me is constant craziness. At least there's something constant in my life. :)

But I am determined to try harder to get off the prozac too. I plan on eating more whole unprocessed foods (I've had a bit of junk over the holidays), exercising at least 60 minutes a day, getting out into the sunshine more, and some kind of meditation/relaxation. Then I'll try tapering this time.

White Elephant

2011-12-16T22:48:00.000-08:00

So tonight, we went to a Christmas party, complete with the whole White Elephant gift exchange experience.

Do you know what happened to come home with my husband?

A plunger filled with candy bars.

What are the odds that a person with contamination OCD would get a plunger as a white elephant gift?

I tell you what - give me odds and I'll beat them. That darn Murphy likes to play games with me.

Now, I know that the plunger was probably new. But there's just something about eating candy from something that's used in toilets that just gives me the heebies. Hubs is a-ok with that. More candy for him.

Thanks - Giving

2011-11-24T19:48:00.001-08:00

Today I give thanks for:

my family:
*My husband who's one of the kindest people I've met.
*My children for the joy they bring to our home.
*My parents and siblings and for the upbringing I had.
*My in-laws for their wonderful support and love.

I give thanks for being sick. Yep, that's right, you heard correctly. I give thanks for being sick. :) I had a horrid migraine today coupled with a cold and was still recovering from surgery. My youngest son had a bad cold and was puking all day. So we stayed home from the Thanksgiving festivities. BUT - I'm thankful for being sick - because the moment you feel better is one of the best moments in life - ever. I love that day when you wake up and go - WOW! I feel great! You can't experience that without being sick first.

I give thanks for smoked turkey. And a mother in law who will cook it, so I don't have to get my hands up in that turkey's business. :)

I give thanks for the sunshine. Today as I was in the shower, it was shining through the window, and it felt so good to soak up the sunshine along with the hot water.

I give thanks for my awesome plastic surgeon, Brian Bruggeman. And for my new perky figure, albeit still bruised.

I give thanks for green smoothies, The China Study, and B-12 supplements. They really amped up my recovery from OCD. It's hard to believe that because of those changes, I can live life medication free. Woot woot!

I give thanks for my husband's job. It's the most stable job he's had in years, and it's so nice to feel somewhat secure.

I'm thankful for my internet addictions : facebook, Etsy, and pinterest. Where would I be without my daily escapes?

And most of all, I'm thankful to be me. There have been so many times in the past several years that I've wished I could be anybody else. But I'm finally at a place where I am content with who I am. Am I perfect? Is my life hunky-dory / white picket fence worthy? No. But it's pretty darn great, and I couldn't be more blessed.

Update on PMS and OCD

2011-11-22T16:06:00.001-08:00

For those of you who care - I am doing better today than I was yesterday. The hormones seem to be dying down. Finally!

I also came to a realization.

Part of why I was so worked up yesterday was because I felt like I had no control. Duh. Isn't this the OCD'ers worst nightmare? To not have control of a situation?

Anyway, yesterday, I felt like I couldn't control things. If I could clean up the contaminated areas, then I would be able to function like a normal person. But - I couldn't clean up the areas that were contaminated because I didn't have a clean bra to change into. Seem like a crazy leap in logic? Well, who ever said OCD was logical?

Anyway, if I cleaned up all the areas that were contaminated, then I'd have to shower. And I'd have to change bras - because everything I was wearing while cleaning would have to be washed. And I didn't have a new bra clean - because I'm not strong enough yet after my surgery to do a load of laundry. So I have to wait for my husband to do it. And it wasn't an option to go without a bra - because I'm supposed to wear one 24 hours a day for 6 weeks post-op.

So - I sat in my own incompetence and stewed. And anyone who crossed into that contaminated area that I couldn't do anything about faced the brunt of my hormone fueled wrath. Fear fueled the wrath - feeling incompetent fueled the wrath - and hormones sent it over the top. What a load or garbage, right? I'm seriously thinking about sending this blog post to my landlord so he can know what kind of havoc he wreaks by trying to solve a non-existent problem. Grr.

Okay, so maybe all the anger isn't gone. lol. But it's subsiding. I was able to clean things up today, and that helped a ton with the feelings of incompetence and lack of control. I know it's a compulsion to clean. But - it's seriously easier to do a compulsion than to live with the uncertainty during PMS. And if I have to go through 3 or 4 days a month where I complete compulsions to keep my family happy - so be it.

PMS, OCD and chemicals

2011-11-21T15:53:00.001-08:00

It's that fabulous time of the month again. That time when I wish I could rip out my uterus and be a man. Gahh! Seriously - we women have enough on our plates - why do we have to have hormones to top it all off?

Anyway, lucky me - right as PMS hormones went crazy and OCD was on red alert - my landlord stopped by to help fix our furnace. Which would have been a good thing. But he brought chemicals along to the party. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!

Of course I am talking both about him and about myself when I say stupid. Stupid him because we were doing fine without the bug spray. WTH was he thinking? We didn't need it - why bother to douse your home with useless chemicals? They don't even affect spiders anyway, which were the only bugs we had been seeing lately.

And stupid me because now, everywhere he and his sons went and touched is contaminated for me. The laundry room, the crawl space, the entry way, several door knobs - the carpet they tramped on on their way out of the house. Crappity crap crap. I know it's all OCD. And it drives me insane because I feel powerless to make the worries go away. Try as I might, it just gets worse if I think about it at all.

I have been fighting it since Saturday. I am hoping that by tomorrow, my hormones will regulate and I'll get feeling back to normal.

This has got to stop. Because when I get anxious and worried like this, I get cranky. I mean, I'm already cranky because of PMS, but I am about ready to strangle my poor sweet innocent children - all because they keep getting in the way of my compulsions and unknowingly getting into stuff that's contaminated. I feel this intense rage - that is so unlike me. I just want to be by myself - I wish everyone would just go away and leave me the freak alone.

Anyway, venting done. I'm hoping that it's just PMS and things will get back to normal once these frickin hormones subside. I'll keep you posted.

Breast Reduction Update

2011-11-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

This is how I felt before my breast reduction. lol. :)

Seriously, though - all joking aside, I had my surgery on November 2nd. And I was so out of commission until today. Drugged and hurting and sleepy - BUT - I am SOOOOOO glad I did it. Even though I still have a good 5 1/2 weeks of recovery ahead of me, I already feel so much better. I can breathe better, I have less panic attacks, my back is straightening out, and dare I say it? Even though I'm bandaged, scarred, and bruised, I even feel sexier already. :)

Anyway, it's been a good exposure for OCD, as well. I got to watch the aide ~~contaminate~~ clean my room while I was there - using the same rag on multiple surfaces - including the toilet - blech. And then, when we got home, I've been pretty much out of it, so hubby has been doing a lot of the housework. And of course, he is super attentive to trying to do things in a way that won't cause me to freak out...but there have been little things that I've just had to let go because I can't do anything about them. And I'm alive. :)

Anyway, thanks for all the prayers and well wishes for my recovery. BTW, I am still off my OCD meds. And I think I'm doing just fine. :)

Whole foods and OCD meds update

2011-10-27T18:29:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let you guys know how it's going.

After my last post, I went through 3 days of emotional OCD garbage. It was bad. OCD hit me with a vengeance. I was SO ready to go back on my meds.

But I waited. And after those 3 days, the OCD garbage subsided, and I am back on an even keel. I feel as good as I did on my meds. But I'm not on my meds. How awesome is that?!!!!! I guess I'll just have to watch out for those couple of days every month - and know that I'll have to fight extra hard on those days. Because I'm not going back on my meds. :)

The only thing I can attribute it to is the healthy eating. I haven't changed anything else, really. Just a whole-foods, plant based diet, as recommended by The China Study - and supplementing with vitamin B12. Who knew that diet could cure OCD?

In other news, my reduction surgery is coming up in 6 days. I'm getting a little bit nervous. I've never gone under the knife before. And of course, I'm prone to worry about things that could involve dying. So, I've been having a lot of dreams about surgeries gone wrong - and a lot of stewing during the day, hoping I'm making the right decision. Anyway, wish me luck. I'm paying for it tomorrow, so no backing out because of fear. I am doing this thing. It is something I want and I'm not going to let a little fear get in my way.

Clean Sheets

2011-10-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

I LOVE the feeling of getting in bed with fresh, clean sheets on the bed.

But with OCD, getting clean sheets can be a problem.

First, I have to take the sheets off my bed and dump them in with a load of dirty laundry. - Hence, shower #1.

Then, I have to take them out of the washer and put them in the dryer - which makes me feel contaminated (because the washing machine is contaminated to touch - silly, I know) - so I end up doing more housework, then shower #2.

But then I get to enjoy clean sheets. And it is so so nice. Sigh. My goal is to one day be able to do laundry like a normal person. Or at least with only 1 shower.

In other news, I'm having a rough couple of days after cutting out Risperidone completely. I noticed a lot of things today, but one in particular was when I walked by my dirty laundry after my shower. And then the towel that was on my head felt contaminated. Total OCD! Grrrr!

But it is also my ~~favorite~~ week of the month, and the difficulties may be hormonal in part. I'm going to ride things out for a couple of days and see how it goes.

Whole Foods and Green Smoothies

2011-10-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

Anyone who follows me on facebook is seriously sick of hearing me go on and on about green smoothies. :) But here I go again. lol

This past month, I have been eating a green smoothie for breakfast every day (you can see my favorite recipe on my other blog here ) , and cutting out most meat, dairy, and processed foods. Instead, I've been eating a whole-foods, plant based diet, as recommended by T. Colin Campbell.

And I am noticing a huge difference! My hypothyroidism is slowly reversing, and I feel so much healthier. I have more energy, I'm more regular (TMI, I know), and I don't feel sick and bloated after eating. I feel full, but not stuffed - satisfied but not gluttonous. It's amazing all the changes I am seeing.

But my MOST FAVORITE, totally unexpected benefit has to do with OCD. I have been able to cut my OCD meds in half! Wow! I never thought I'd see the day! I have cut my dose of Risperidone to half of what I was prescribed for about 2 weeks, and I haven't had any problems so far. Yes, the occasional obsessive thought still comes and rears its ugly head...but I feel like I am able to use the knowledge I gained of ERP while on my meds and fight it actively. (Thanks also to Ann for all her honest and inspiring posts about ERP!)

Tonight, I am eliminating one of my OCD meds completely. I know! Me - who loved my meds. If I can successfully cut them completely, I have a few other plans up my sleeves.....you'll just have to stay tuned to find out what they are. :)

Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted on my progress.

If you want to read the books that inspired me, I recommend The Green Smoothies Diet by Robyn Openshaw, and The China Study by T. Colin Campbell.
Another website I love is vega-licious.com. I found her by Googling hypothyroid and Green Smoothies.

OCD meds and a Crazy Horse

2011-09-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

So, first of all, I've cut my OCD meds in half. I know - ME - who LOVES my meds.

It all happened when I went to get them renewed. I went to my doc - and during a routine checkup, he felt my thyroid and said it was large. Due to other random symptoms I was having, we both thought it was hypERthyroid related - meaning my thyroid was basically in overdrive.

Well, the bloodwork results came back and said I was hypOthyroid - my thyroid was UNDER functioning. The exact opposite. Weird. So, my doc prescribed me thyroid hormones in addition to my OCD meds and sent me on my way.

So, the worry got ahold of me, as it usually does with OCD. If I was hypOthyroid, why was I having the hypERthyroid symptoms? So I went home and looked into what side effects of my OCD meds were - because I had purposely not looked at them before. I knew that if I knew of all the side effects, I would somehow suddenly have a majority of them. That's just how my crazy mind works. So, I had just told my previous psych that he should warn me of any life threatening ones, and he only mentioned a couple things - none of which I had.

But, as I was looking through the side effects of my OCD meds - I realized that all the symptoms I thought were hypERthyroid issues were direct side effects of my meds. Huh.

So I cut my dose in half. And so far, I am noticing a lot less side effects, and still some benefit of the meds. I feel a little more anxious, but it's still manageable. I'm also trying some natural remedies/diet changes - but that's more info for another post.

In other news, I think my neighbor's horse has OCD. lol. Seriously. This horse is nuts. Every time it poops, it poops in one of two spots. He literally has two great big piles of poop in his pasture. Do you know of any other horses that do that? All other pastures I've seen have random piles of poop everywhere. But not this horse. His pasture is otherwise immaculate. BUT - every time he poops he has a routine. He poops. Turns around. Sniffs the poop. Looks around. And then stands in it. Then he goes on his merry way. Weird. Crazy horse. Maybe OCD isn't confined to people alone. lol

Inspiration

2011-08-29T08:16:00.000-07:00

I got this quote from a friend on facebook. I don't know if it's legit or not (yes, I'm too lazy to Google it...or maybe I'll just say I'm too busy...yeah, that's it) but anyway, it's a great quote to live by for those of us with OCD.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

With that said, friends, go forth and do. :)

Random Stuff

2011-08-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

We survived our 9 day camping trip in the woods of Wyoming. I survived things like dirt everywhere, everyone getting a stomach flu, kids peeing all over our tent in the middle of the night because they can't find the bottle to pee in, horse and dog poop all over the campsite, and bug spray everywhere. Sounds like OCD paradise, right? ;) Anyway, we survived, and I survived the cleanup that took a whole week after the actual trip.

Totally unrelated, we are not moving to San Francisco. Yay! Hubby's work was contemplating a merger with a company there, but now that idea is history. I am SO glad we are staying here in Eastern Idaho.

Last night I had a really bad anxiety meltdown. We were at a Back to School celebration in the park. And a couple of things contributed to my scary witch meltdown. That's right... I was THAT mom...the one who is completely out of control and blows up at some unsuspecting idiot.

A. There were hundreds of screaming children (both happy and sad), which made me really anxious....I don't know what it is about other people's kids, but I have a really low noise tolerance when it comes to kids....and other people's kids just hit my every nerve...it makes me just wanna curl up in a hole and die.

B. It was really hot. And sunny. And hot. Did I mention it was hot?

C. The lines for all the games were super long. And slow. And long. And lines make me anxious. I just can't handle waiting, not knowing if I'm gonna get what I'm waiting in line for, or if other people are gonna somehow cheat me out of what I'm waiting for, or if I'm even in the right line. I know it's the anxiety disorder, but I REALLY HATE lines. ..... And all the kids were jostling to be first in line. And other kids didn't seem to mind that they were cutting in line. And I've taught my kids to wait their turn and stand in line. And they were getting passed over and shoved out of the way. Not cool.

D. The game attendant was obviously off in another world. Thinking about something else. Not even paying attention to what was going on.

So, my kids were in line for a game. The one game my youngest really wanted to do. And the games were ending in 10 minutes. My kids got up to the front of the line, and about 6 or 7 kids cut in front of them. And then the attendant comes over and is like "Dude, I'm gonna have to, like, shut the game down. Like, we're not gonna have time for all these kids to do the game. I mean, I'm like sorry and all, but I don't know what else to do."

So he separated the kids that were up in the front of the line into 2 last groups that could go. My kids got left out of the last group because of the kids that cut in front of them. So I let all the anxiety that was living inside me explode at that poor hapless game attendant. I ~~yelled~~ said "My two kids were in line before these 6 kids were. They have been waiting in this hot line for a long time, and this is the ONE thing they wanted to do. They HAVE to be in the last group." And the attendant rolled his eyes and was like "Dude, chill. They're in the last group."

And I was all embarrassed. Because I never blow up like that in public. And the one time I do, it makes me look like a total idiot.

Anyway, my husband showed up right before that, so he promised to take the kids so I could leave. I was fed up, overly anxious, and fuming.

Anyway, I know that's an anxiety disorder failure on my part. I should have just taken like 10 valium before going and tried to keep a lid on the stress. But I didn't. And I just wanted to keep it real. We all have successes and we all have failures. But tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it's one without lines to stand in. ;)

Weigh in

2011-07-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

This post is a call for your opinion! But here's the background.

Okay - so - I'm getting a breast reduction. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I have wanted one since I was a teenager, and no one is going to dissuade me. It's to the point where I'm physically uncomfortable, embarrassed when I exercise, I can't find clothes that fit, and life is just a hassle. I've lost weight, and nothing has changed in my chest, so I think the surgery is the only way the girls are ever gonna get smaller. So - when I have the money saved up, I am going to do it!

With that being said - I went for my initial consult today. And while I was there, I asked about a mini tummy tuck as well. Because after having 3 kids, my skin decided it wanted to hang to my knees. (TMI, I know.)

Anyway, my thoughts were that I should just go ahead and get a tummy tuck done while I was already under the knife. You know, save some money on hospital and anesthesia fees, and only have one recovery. Why not, right? If I have the money from my own business saved up, I figured, what the heck? I'd like to have it done.

My hesitation is this - the breast reduction is , in my opinion, a medical necessity. The tummy tuck is purely vanity. Is it worth the extra surgery for vanity? Am I displeasing God by being so vain? Or am I being practical by addressing the problem while I'm already there?

I have asked two of my closest family members, and one of them objects to the extra money involved, and objects to the vanity issue. My other family member says I shouldn't even be getting a breast reduction in the first place.

So - I thought I was thinking clearly, but with such strong opposition coming at me tonight, I thought I'd take a poll from you, my dear readers. What do you think? Is the tummy tuck overkill? Is it a well thought out plan to save recovery time and money? Or is there something else altogether that I'm missing?

What I don't want - Everyone just telling me it's okay because it's my blog and you don't want to hurt my feelings.

What I do want - your honest opinion. Because maybe I am in the right. But maybe I am missing the boat. I know I tend to way over analyze things (thank you, OCD - I had to sneak OCD in there - this is my blog about OCD after all. lol) and I want to have a bunch of unbiased outside opinions.

So weigh in. What do you think? Please, be brutally honest and opinionated. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. :)

Moving

2011-07-19T21:24:00.000-07:00

Last week, we moved, yet again. I know, I know - it seems like we move every time we turn around. No one feels it more than I do. Because moving is an intense OCD trigger for me. There's dust, dirt, "contaminated things" that people will be touching, and everyone who helps will be all up in my business and cross contaminating all my stuff without even knowing it. Torture!

This time, however, we were only moving 2 houses down the street, so I was able to take the whole week and take things over one car load at a time. I'd take one load and put it away. Then I'd take another load and put it away. And if I got feeling too dirty - I'd shower. (I know, compulsive!) It took a full week, but I finally had things ready for the men to come take out the heavy furniture by Friday. Which still caused me some anxiety - because they were touching my things and I felt like I had to keep track of everything everyone touched. Even though I'd gotten most of the "contaminated" stuff taken care of already.

And - after we'd already committed to renting this house and moved some of our stuff in, we learned from the carpet cleaners that the smell we were smelling was cat pee on the carpets. Oh joy! I knew I didn't have pets for a reason!

But -I'm living with it. I figure they cleaned the carpet - so it shouldn't kill us, right? (right? someone reassure me! ;D) And I've sprayed it with febreeze, and I'm using a candle warmer. And it almost masks the ~~scent~~ odor. Nothing like a good old constant exposure that I can't get rid of, right?

Also - the landlord told us he had sprayed ant killer in the kitchen. Pesticides? In the house? Let alone the kitchen?!?!?!?!? OCD really gripped me by the shirt collar and rubbed my face in that one. But I'm dealing.

And in the end - the move is done. We are almost all unpacked. And while it was an intense OCD nightmare for me, it is over now. And yes, I did give in to my compulsions. A lot. But you know what? It's okay. I'm not perfect. And I'm okay with that.

And now we've got a new house, a fresh start, and I'm already starting to make new habits and kick some smaller compulsions to the curb. I'll keep ya posted on my progress.

Uncorked and Barenaked Ladies

2011-07-08T20:58:00.000-07:00

I LOVE this song by Barenaked Ladies.

&lt;p&gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;My &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;

My favorite line is "You play doctor, but I've lost patience" :) I love wordplays ( patience - patients) - tee hee...they make me giddy. :)

Anyway, I discovered this song by watching the movie Uncorked. You can watch it in parts for free on youtube, or you can order it here, on Amazon. My husband and I discovered it by accident at Hollywood Video, back in the days when you had to actually visit a video store. :)
Anyway, I highly recommend it. It's one of my all time favorite movies.

Gratitude and Hoarders

2011-06-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. I'm still here. I just haven't been blogging lately because I've been in a funk. Let's just say that I've still been facing my fair share of lawn chemicals, uncertainties, and stress, and maybe I'll fill y'all in later. Maybe not.

But today, I was talking with a friend from my water aerobics class who has a daughter that struggles with OCD. And from what she said, it seems like it's pretty intense for her daughter. Which made me really think about how far I've come with the whole OCD nightmare. (If you're new to my blog, you can see how my OCD started in this article here.)

Anyway, thanks to medication I have come a long way! Instead of feeling suicidal every single day, those thoughts only come for a little while. And now I am facing a lot more of my fears instead of running from them. I really can't say how much I am thankful for good meds!!!!!

Also, I've been watching Hoarders at night while I crochet. And the show really hits home. I don't have hoarding tendencies, but I can see exactly where those poor people are coming from. I understand their thought process, their worry, their fear, and their reluctance to let things go. It really is similar to OCD in so many ways.

And each time at the end of the show, I am praying for those poor people. Because they are either still in denial that they actually have a problem, or they are only on the beginning of a road to getting help.

And each and every time, I wish they could have the meds that I have. I know - meds aren't for everyone. But I have seen my own progress with them. And I can see how so many of these people would be able to make similar progress with meds like mine. And my heart breaks for them because the people on the show just want to talk with them about their issues and clean up their houses. Which won't work in the long term. The more I'm exposed to things like this, the more I am convinced that OCD is a chemical imbalance that is later reinforced by bad habits. Without meds, yes, you can try to change the habits, but the chemical imbalance is still there.

Anyway, rant over. ;) I'm just grateful for where I am now and so thankful that I found the right help that worked for me.

And as always, thanks to my readers for reading my blog. It keeps me going. Luv ya!

Before and After

2011-05-31T21:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm about to share yet another embarrassing thing with you, my lovely, devoted readers. :) - Me - unfiltered - unedited - and F.A.T. (yuck!)

But who doesn't love a "Before and After", right?

So, I've been working my butt off since January. My goal is to lose 60 lbs by October. And I am halfway there! 30 lbs lost, baby!!!!

Which means
A. I feel great.
B. I look better. :)
C. My husband lost a bet and has to grow facial hair - just for me! ♥

Here's a pic of me at my heaviest. *winces* -I know it's bad! Please be gentle.

And this is me at 30 lbs lighter!!! Woot! I FEEL GREAT! And this is only halfway. I'll post another one in October.

Ground Beef, How I Loathe Thee

2011-05-18T21:34:00.000-07:00

So - I was at the grocery store tonight. I only needed 3 things. The express lane was super crowded though. So I got in a regular line with only 2 people in it.

I had just settled in to wait my turn when I realized that the guy in front of me had 2 packages of ground beef. And they weren't in plastic bags. Which normally causes me to turn, find another lane, and checkout elsewhere. (Yes - I know it's a grocery store and each and every line passes many packages of meat through per day. But when I can see the physical evidence right in front of me ---- no way, Jose. OCD has the reins, watch me run.)

Anyway, I was going to turn and find a different line, but I realized that two people had gotten in line behind me already. Drats! I was trapped.

So I gave myself a pep-talk. "Okay, okay, I can do this. Just ignore it. Be brave."

The cashier starts ringing up the guy in front of me, I'm breathing deeply and focusing on anything but the meat when the cashier says "Oh ---- that just leaked all over."

I look at the conveyor belt - and there was blood all over. The meat had leaked its disgusting juices on the conveyor belt!

"Don't freak out. Don't freak out. -- I'm freaking out! I'm freaking out!"

The cashier calmly grabs her disinfectant spray and paper towels and wipes it up.

"So, which is worse? The ecoli tainted juice, or the cleaning chemicals? And she's gonna touch my stuff next!""

Just then, she reaches over and pumps out some hand sanitizer. Whew! So now the germs are out of the picture and I'm just fighting the chemical contamination worry.

"I can do this - I can do this!"

She rings me up. I calmly check out like nothing's wrong. I feel pretty good on the way to the car. I'm proud of myself for getting through that. I pop open my Diet Coke (which had been handled by the cashier!) and start to celebrate. Just a little bit. :)

Then all of a sudden I realize - She cleaned up the conveyor belt - but then she slid that meat over the other counter to the bagger. Who DIDN'T clean up her counter with chemicals. So there was probably Ecoli all over that counter. And then she slid MY groceries on that same counter.

"Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Okay, breathe. It's okay. You didn't see any juices. They weren't there. Your groceries are fine. Everything's okay."

So, I made it home. When I got home, I put the groceries away in the fridge and threw away the bag. Then I washed my hands. - BUT it wasn't a full blown panicky compulsion wash. It was just a brief cursory wash and then I let it be. Me - with OCD. I just let it be! Woot!

And now the anxiety is dying down. I'm resisting the urge to go wash those items. But I'm going to leave them be. Chances are - nothing will happen.

And even if I do get sick - well, I'll probably lose a couple of pounds! Ha ha. And seriously - it's time to reclaim my life. If I get sick from that, then maybe I'd better just die and get it over with because everything out there can kill me. :)

Gratitude

2011-04-18T10:26:00.000-07:00

As I was talking last night with my husband, I was pondering the effects that OCD meds have had on me.

And I realized that they're great for OCD. Sweet!!!
But they also dull a lot of other things. A lot of feelings are wiped out too. Which is fine. I was probably too moody anyway. lol.

But I realized that one feeling that hasn't been dulled at all is my ability to feel gratitude. I am so thankful for many wonderful things in my life, and I am grateful that I still have the ability to feel that.

The end. :)

4.14.2011

2011-04-14T13:01:00.000-07:00

     Today marks a life change for me. I leave my 20's behind and move into my 30's.
     At first I was sad. Because I didn't want to be 30.
     But then I remembered that the 20's were hard.

*21 was when my OCD became apparent. These past 9 years have been quite hellish.

* I had 3 kids in 5 years. That was a lot of diaper changing, sleepless nights, and thankless days as a walking zombie.

*I gained 60 lbs. Not proud of it, but there it is.

*Suffered through an intense personal struggle that I really don't care to define here, but let's just say it was pretty crappy. It robbed me of peace of mind, and made me feel like garbage.

     So, now I'm finding reasons that my 30's will be better.

* Last year I was finally given a medication that helps my OCD. After 9 years of fighting OCD tooth and nail, I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not cured. But I'm a heck of a lot better.

*My youngest kid is 5 now. Which means my days of running ragged trying to care for 3 toddlers are pretty much over. Will I still lose sleep over them? Probably. Will I still have lots to do in helping them grow into responsible adults? You bet....but I tell ya what - once they reach 4 or 5, things get a whole lot less stressful. For me, at least. I don't know......that will probably come back to bite me when I have teenagers. lol

*Since January, I have been cutting calories, running, and taking a Zumba class. And I have lost 23 lbs. Woot! I'm still going, and by December, I plan to have lost the full 60.

*(NOTE - EASILY EMBARRASSED PEOPLE MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS BULLET POINT) Also, somewhat related to the weight loss - I am getting myself a breast reduction this October. At 19, I was a DD cup. By the time I'd had my 3 kids, I was an H cup. And let's face it - breasts that large are just unwieldy and embarrassing. So, I'm setting aside the money, I'm losing the weight, and in October, my dream of over 10 years will finally be realized. Can I just say I am totally excited! :)

Anyway, the 30's are looking up. If I can just get past the mental block of the number issue, I'll be just fine.

2 steps forward, 1 step back

2011-04-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

So, I made it through our Achievement Days activity where we were scheduled to cook raw meat.
Blessedly, I was the one to handle the meat, so I didn't have to worry about people not washing their hands well. But there were eggs spilled all over my counter and not wiped up well. And then the other adult at our activity went and moved the knife that I had used on the raw meat and not washed off yet - and then went and wiped my counters down. With a rag that had come in contact with that knife.

And luckily only 5 of our 10 girls showed up. So it was a little less chaotic than usual.

So I survived the activity. I was even able to talk to the other adult while I was prepping the meat. (cutting casings off sausage. yuck!) Which is unusual for me. I usually have to focus solely on the meat and nothing else. But I did it. And no one was the wiser to my OCD issues. Which was great.

But then afterward, I went and scrubbed everything in my kitchen and then showered. Not so great. Oh well. You win some and you lose some. And it's okay.

Help!

2011-04-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

I have 10 girls and 1 adult coming over to cook raw meat in my kitchen. For a church group that I'm a part of.
Please pray for me that I make it through the next 2 hours.

Facebook wisdom

2011-03-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

Today a friend posted this on her facebook status.

"Fear is created not by the world around us, but in the mind, by what we think is going to happen". - Mike Shuman

Now, I have no idea who Mike Shuman is. But he hit the nail on the head.

So much of OCD is based on fear. We're afraid of what we THINK is going to happen. So - it follows that the best way to fight compulsions is to change our expectations. Easier said than done, I know.

OCD'ers automatically fear the very worst scenario.

So - my goal for now is to work on changing my expectations. When fear crops up, I am going to give myself a more reasonable - more likely - outcome to think about. And I will keep thinking about it until it becomes second nature. It won't be easy. But thanks to meds, it's at least possible to try.

Here's to courage. And hope. And faith. And hard work. :)

Handbag goo

2011-03-29T22:31:00.000-07:00

So last week my husband went on a business trip. Guess what that means? Yep. I don't cook. I take the kids out to eat. :)

Anyway, as we were waiting in line to get in to the restaurant (Craigo's Pizza Pie Cafe - yum! I love that place!) I was talking to someone in line and reached into my purse to get my wallet ready.

And then I noticed that my wallet was sticky. I wondered what had gotten on it, but I wasn't too freaked out. I continued talking to the lady next to me.

Then I noticed that my shirt was sticky. Okay, now I'm starting to be worried. I want to change my shirt. I want to scrub. And I'm mad. Because obviously, this goo was all over everything. And I'd had my wallet in a new purse which I LOVED. And I really didn't want to throw this purse out. And now it's contaminated. And we've just gotten to the restaurant and I don't have another shirt. So I decided that I was just gonna have to deal with it.

So I'm trying to keep track of my 3 kids who want to cavort through the lobby, finish my conversation with the lady in line, pay for my food, and fight the obsessions in my head. And overall, I think I did pretty well at the first three. The obsessions, however didn't want to go away. So I settled for a half compulsion and headed to the nearest napkin dispenser to see if I could get some of this sticky mess cleaned up. I wet the napkins with some of my drinking water (handling my cup that I'll have to drink out of all night), and I finished wiping off my wallet and my hands. That would have to do. My kids were hungry, and since it's buffet style, I needed to help them get their food.

After I got us all settled back at the table, I finally figured out what the mystery goo was. And I felt sheepish.
For lunch I had taken my middle son out to lunch because he was the only one who hadn't gotten to go to a friend's house that day. We went to McDonalds. He'd had chicken nuggets. And he didn't use his sweet and sour sauce. So rather than being wasteful, I had put the little carton into my purse to take home and put in the fridge.

Needless to say, that little carton never made it to the fridge. It decided to explode all over the contents of my purse instead. And once I looked into my purse, I saw that it was Ev -Ry- Where. All over my phone, my pen, my chapstick, all up the sides of the purse.

BUT - I am proud of myself. I finished my dinner. Then, I brought my purse home and wiped it out good with a washrag. I think it helped that I knew what the mystery substance was. But still - cleaning out the purse and continuing to use it is a huge step for me. By the way, did I happen to mention that I love this purse?

Why?

2011-03-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when I am having PMS, my daughter has to be all up in my face? All. The Time. Just wondering. That's all.

Aiming Low Feature

2011-03-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard of the site Aiming Low ? If you've ever felt mediocre, you should check it out. :) It's a great site.

Anyway, in March, they're highlighting people's struggles with Mental Illness. They approached me and asked me to write about my experience with OCD. So, I wrote them an article that gives a very brief outline of how OCD took hold of my life.

It's interesting to read the comments of non-OCD-ers. Some are supportive. Others are critical. And it's a bit intimidating to lay my soul bare for others. But my hope in writing my story is that I would be able to shed some light on the alternate reality of those of us living with Mental Illness.

Anyway, if you want to read my article, you can find it here.

♥ And as always, thanks for all the support and encouragement you guys in bloggy-land give me. ♥ It means more than I can say.

OCD in my sleep

2011-03-10T21:54:00.000-08:00

My dreams are usually a respite from every day cares. I do have the occasional nightmare, but mostly, my dreams are escapes from reality.

In my dreams I don't have OCD. I'm hot. I'm courageous. I'm smart. Everyone wants to know me and be my friend. I am everything good and wonderful. The exact opposite of how I feel in real life. It's amazing. ~~Sometimes~~ I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

But Tuesday night was different.

I dreamed that I had been given a job. And it was a good thing, because I really needed a job, and I wasn't qualified for anything. My aunt had landed me a position, and I was truly grateful. I thought the job was at Hobby Lobby. So I went to the first day, and what do I discover? I've been given a job as a garbage woman! I had to get all up in the business of everybody's contaminated refuse. My worst nightmare!

I was so disturbed that I woke up in a panic. My heart was racing, I was breathing fast, I even hallucinated a huge spider on my wall. And I'm talking the size of a basketball huge. I was in full fight or flight mode. It took me a while to get calmed down. I got up, messed with the thermostat, visited the bathroom, and then finally laid back down.

Thank heavens, when I did get back to sleep, it was blessedly a dreamless, restful sleep.

I guess it was bound to happen eventually. OCD has taken over so much of my life, why not my dreams? Hopefully it was a rare occurrence.

You're hot then you're cold, You're yes then you're no............

2011-02-22T21:38:00.000-08:00

.........You're in then you're out, you're up then you're down..........

Okay, now that we've all got Katy Perry on the brain..........

I was just thinking about opposites and this song came to mind. Because today was an opposite day.

So lately I've been doing really well with OCD. But today kinda sucked.

I think it's hormones. And children who have been cooped up indoors all winter long. And very little sleep on my part. All 3 things added up and I had a meltdown in the kitchen tonight.

I felt it start about 3 pm and it just kept building. But I really tried hard. I made dinner anyway. I used raw meat. I made turkey burgers - so I had my hands all up in that turkey's business.

And I was doing okay. Until all of a sudden I wasn't.

Everything was contaminated. I couldn't focus. I wanted cry. I wanted to punch something. My kids kept throwing themselves about, making a terrible ruckus. (They're kids, after all.) OCD kept telling me that if I could have some peace and quiet, I could think through things and make it all better. I ~~might have~~ yelled for peace and quiet once or twice. My husband got this condescending look on his face like "Honey, you're being a *itch". Okay, okay. In all fairness, Jed would never think - let alone use- the word *itch. But I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to give in to OCD. And I was no picnic to be around.

When I finally took myself out of the situation and tried to calm down, I realized how much I was hurting the feelings of my family - especially my sweet daughter. I went up and found her in her room. I hugged her and apologized. Then we played Barbies. And I think she forgave me.

But I still hate days like today. I know, it's par for the course. And the bad days make me appreciate the good days. And there's always a silver lining.

It's just hard. And I sometimes need to complain. So - complaining done. I am going to bed. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it's a better one.

Doing the Dishes

2011-02-17T09:47:00.000-08:00

I think I've posted about this before. Probably because dishes have always been one of the hardest things for me to face, OCD wise.

But -
This past week, (because our dishwasher is being a crummy piece of junk! grrrr) I have been washing the dishes by hand. And it's been a lot easier. For a couple of reasons, I think.

A. I'm on meds. I love my meds. I'll probably say that a million more times before I die. Because it's true. My meds are great!

B. I cleaned the sink really really really well before I started this venture on hand-washing the dishes. So the sink no longer felt like a germ-laden place to avoid.

C. I have been doing the dishes after every meal. So they don't get all crusty and nasty. Neither does the sink. It's not so bad when I know I'm just washing dishes that we just ate off of. It doesn't feel so contaminated.

D. When I'm washing dishes by hand, I'm not having to lean over to put them in the dishwasher. So I don't drip water all over the floor and all over me. (Yeah, I was pretty sloppy when loading the dishwasher. ) So I don't feel contaminated when I'm done.

E. When I actually wash the dishes instead of just rinsing them, the dishes are clean when I put them down. When I was loading the dishwasher, I was rinsing the dishes, but they still needed to be washed- so I was always handling dirty dishes. But this way, before I put them down, I know they're clean. It's probably a bad thing for getting over my OCD obsessions, but it's kind of like showering. I see the cause and effect.

So, this works for me. Yeah, it takes a little bit longer. And a therapist would probably tell me that I'm just creating another compulsion. There's still the fear there that hasn't been overcome.
But you know what? I can function more like a normal person now. I can do the dishes without having to shower or change clothes when I'm done. And to me - that feels like a victory. I'll take it.

Two small steps forward

2011-02-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

1. A month ago, I signed my kids up for gymnastics.

All 3 of them. Which may not seem like a big deal to some. But -
* I've been in the gym before, and there is chalk dust everywhere! Not that chalk ever hurt anyone, but in my OCD mind, that chalk = dirt.
* The place smells like old dead socks and a locker room. But I go twice a week. And I sit in the observation area. Smelling like dirty feet. And I sit there. Sometimes I even take my knitting, (which could make it contaminated.)

But each week, I go. And each week, I let them do it without a bath. Or without having a shower myself. I'm pretty pleased.

2. I just cleaned the bathroom.

My youngest (age 4) just peed all over the bathroom. Which normally leads to me barricading the bathroom, telling the family it's off limits, until I can get it cleaned up. (Which is usually the next day because I have to shower after doing it.)

But today - I took a few minutes, I let the initial anxiety from the accident wane, and then talked myself into it. I cleaned up the pee and just washed my hands. (Albeit up to my elbows, but I'm working on it.) I didn't shower after it. And I don't feel contaminated.

Whew!
It's been a good day.

Who, me?

2011-02-02T18:25:00.000-08:00

Angela over at So Now You Know apparently thinks I'm pretty cool. How about that? Despite (or maybe because of) my particular brand of crazy, someone has given me an award. And little old me never wins anything. :) Thanks, Angela, you made my day.

Anyhoo, for this particular thingamabob, you're supposed to share 7 things about yourself and then pass it on.
So, without further ado, here are 7 things about me -

1. I'm addicted 3 things: yarn, food, and music.

No, seriously. I have a whole room in my house overflowing with yarn. It's lining walls, filling shelves, bursting out of bins - and I don't think I'll ever have enough. :) And I have pretty much commandeered our couch, too. Our couch isn't for sitting. It's for holding all the skeins of yarn I'm using on various projects. To justify my obsession, though, I do sell my stuff, making it profitable - not just a hobby. :) (you can see my shops here and here. )

As for food, I don't eat because I'm hungry. I eat because it tastes good. Food is to me what crack is to addicts. Just don't ask me to cook it. Because I abhor that. (Which is an OCD related issue - because I hate germs)

And music- don't even get me started. It is ~~possible~~ the norm for me to get completely lost in a song. I had to ban myself from listening to music in the car when I'm driving my kids places. Because I would get so wrapped up in listening to the music that I'd tell them to be quiet and not bother me so I could hear my tunes. Hmm. Priorities screwed up? Yeah. So - no more music for me when kids are in the car. But you can bet that when I'm driving by myself, the tunes are cranked! As for what kind of music I like - pretty much anything except country, rap, or elevator music. Other than that trifecta, I'm pretty flexible.

2. I suck at small talk.

Have you ever watched Bones? (If you haven't - you should! Love that show!) Anyway, a lot of times I feel like a Squint. Because I understand facts. But I don't do well with people situations and nice, easy, normal conversation. I always flounder for things to talk to people about, and usually end up bringing up some awkward conversation about feelings, politics, religion, or other controversial things that just make people squirm.

3. I can't stand slimy foods.

Like yogurt. Or pudding. Or mayonnaise. Or oatmeal (unless I cook it. I use a lot less water, and it's divine!)
One of my worst experiences in college involved pairs spoon feeding pudding to each other as fast as possible. It was supposed to teach us something about communication......but all it did was induce my gag reflex. It still gives me the heebies to think about it.

4. I have never been outside of the U.S.

(except for a brief visit to the Canadian side of Niagra Falls when I was 8). One day, I am going to have unlimited time and money. And then I'm going to travel.
Places I want to visit before I die: Ireland, Italy, the Caribbean, Mayan ruins in South America, Australia, and Jerusalem.

5. I am LDS (Mormon)

I used to take lots of flack for that in high school because I was raised in the Bible Belt. And Mormons were the anomaly. FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) even denied me being a member of their club because "I wasn't Christian." Huh. That's funny. Seeing as the name of the church I attend is "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints." I never understood their reasoning. :)
I know religion can be a touchy subject, but like I mentioned earlier, I am great at bringing up touchy subjects. :) I know not everyone is religious. And that's just fine with me. But for me, religion is a really big defining point of who I am. It's not just about church on Sunday. My beliefs affect who I believe I am, what I believe my relationship to God and Jesus to be, and what my goals are for this life and the life to come. It is impossible to separate my religion from me. (If you want to find out more, you can here.)

6. I LOVE to read.

I have loved it ever since I learned how. But - I read purely for pleasure. I don't read much literary fiction, or any non-fiction pieces that really make you think. I like plain old fiction that has no other design than to entertain.

Some of my most favorite books: The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card, Angels and Demons by Dan Brown, The Mistborn trilogy by Brandon Sanderson, ....you know what? Just check out my goodreads profile if you really wanna know.

Books I hate: Most books deemed classics or literary fiction. Like anything by John Steinbeck, or Thomas Hardy, or Geoffry Chaucer, or the like. My theory: These books are deemed classics just so they will actually get read. Because really, they just suck, and without that designation, no one would want to read them. :)

7. The websites where I spend the most time:

Etsy
Facebook
Twitter
Ravelry
The Lettered Cottage
Thrifty Decor Chick
How About Orange
Amazon
Fiction Groupie
So Now You Know

And there you have it. A glimpse at me.

Now, the people I send this award to are:
Pauleen at http://mormonmamabear.blogspot.com/ .She's just amazing. :)
Kim at http://myjourneywithocd.blogspot.com/ Kim is my best OCD blogger friend. :)

That's it. If you're still here, congrats for reading this far. :)

Exercise and OCD

2011-01-07T14:53:00.000-08:00

I was just reading an article about motivation for exercising.

They mentioned several reasons that people procrastinate exercising.
Not one of them was my excuse though. My excuse has to do with OCD.
My thinking goes something like this:

I need to exercise.
If I exercise, I'll get sweaty.
If I get sweaty, I'll feel dirty.
So I need to do it before I do my chores (that make me "dirty").
Like I'm gonna wake up at 5 am so I can do it before my chores.

A rational person would fit exercise in where it worked in their schedule. But once I shower for a day, I don't do anything that will make me feel "dirty". I guess I could always take a second shower. But that seems like a step in the wrong direction for a person with OCD.

Happy 2011

2011-01-01T19:45:00.000-08:00

Funny -- when I was younger, I always thought the world would end in the year 2000. It kept me up at nights worrying about it. And now here we are, 11 years later. And we're still here. (Part of the OCD in me wants to latch on to the year 2012 for a new doomsday b/c of all the hype, but I am NOT going to let that happen.)

So, here's to 10 years of proving that theory wrong, and may many more come. :)

New Year's is usually a time of setting goals and making resolutions.
But this year, I'm not gonna tell people about my resolutions. This video explains why.

I realized that I thrive on public recognition. So, I'm gonna put that off until I actually achieve my goals. Then, you can be sure I'll be on here bragging about how well I did. lol ;)

Anyway, Happy New Year to all of you! May 2011 be the best year yet.

Bathrooms and OCD

2010-11-16T22:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I am a public bathroom -phobe. Yep. I HATE public restrooms. I even went through quite a long stretch where I would do ANYTHING to avoid them.
Then I had kids who were potty training. And I'd make my hubby take them...which got questionable when my daughter became old enough to notice the difference between men and women.......so I had to get over it.
I still HATE public restrooms. And my daughter seems to gravitate toward them like a paperclip to an electromagnet. Le sigh. I think she was sent to me so I would learn patience.
Anyway, I came across this video today, and I just thought I'd share it with y'all for a laugh. Because seriously, I'm not that bad,............but I come close.

And can I just say - If they really had OCD, they would be concerned about using the paper towel that they touched BEFORE washing their hands.....I mean seriously.

So....busy. Must....get.....a.....life...........

2010-11-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't dropped off the face of the planet.
I've just been overwhelmed by my Etsy stores.
( http://www.yarntwisted.etsy.com and http://www.yarnlovertn.etsy.com )
Orders have been coming faster than I can fill them, and the only reason I'm taking time to blog now is because if I don't take a break from 70+ hour workweeks and yarn, I am going to go crazy. Oh, wait. I already have crazy covered. ;)

Anyway, OCD's been taking back burner lately. Quite simply because I just don't have much time for it.

One episode that got me lately, though, was Halloween.

We took our kids out to my In-laws' house to trick or treat. What greeted us at the door?

A butchered deer.

Yep. A real one. All gutted. With head still attached. It even had an axe sticking out of it.

It was hanging from the porch roof. And it was still dripping blood.

Because my hubby's dad thought it would be hilarious. And apropos for Halloween.

Apparently my bro-in-law had shot the thing and processed it the day before.....

Immediately I got the whole tunnel vision thing going on where my reality seemed to suck my awareness into a hypersensitive OCD vortex.

WHERE had they butchered the thing? Inside or outside?

Was I going to have to avoid touching anything? Well, I'd just avoid touching EVERYTHING until I knew where the dirty deed was done.

Were they still wearing the same clothes as when they had hung up the deer? Could I get away with not hugging them?

You know, all the OCD thoughts that are typical for a contamination OCDer like me.

Anyway, I was proud of myself. I probably seemed remote and in my own little world.
But I didn't check to reassure myself. I just lived with it. I didn't give everyone the third degree like I wanted to. I didn't search for evidence of slaughtering. I didn't do anything. I even let my kids run around... (they made it easy - they were terrified of it. ;) )

Finally, when we were leaving, I saw the brother in law pulling a tarp out of the woods. - and it all clicked. He had butchered it on the tarp, which was clean, meaning he had washed things up and I didn't need to worry.

Recently though, we have decided that our family is going to be vegetarian. And Jed said - "Well, if Shana wasn't a vegetarian before, that certainly would have made her one."

Emerson in Church

2010-10-17T12:10:00.000-07:00

Someone quoted Ralph Waldo Emerson in church today. (FYI, In the LDS church, members of the congregation are asked to give 20 to 30 minute talks during our sacrament meeting (worship service). )

Anyway, the person speaking today gave this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson: ‘That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do is increased.’

I've heard this countless times before, and the person speaking wasn't talking about OCD at all. But I automatically thought of my recent attempts at exposures. I'm surprised I never coupled this quote with OCD before. I mean, that's the whole idea of ERP, right?

And it's true. I already have some things that have become easier to do because I've done them for long enough that I've overcome the need to complete compulsions. And maybe those of us with OCD have to work longer at something until it feels easy or natural, but it can be done. I just need to remind myself of this when I'm facing a particularly hard exposure.

Allergies and Emergency Rooms

2010-10-05T23:02:00.000-07:00

So last night at about midnight, just as I was getting ready to go to sleep, my son started choking in his sleep.

We went in there, tried to calm him down, - he's sucking air for all he's worth, and still can't breathe. His eye was swollen, and we figured it was an allergic reaction. He'd never had one before. We were dumbfounded.

We gave him benadryl, and a drink, and got him calmed down enough to be taking small breaths that weren't wrenching his chest.

He calmed down, but his breathing was still raspy.

So I took him to the E.R.

Long story short, we have no idea what caused his allergy. (Maybe the shampoo we were using - it got in his eye, and his eye was swollen before bed. It was the same eye that was completely bloated when he woke up later. The same shampoo caused my husband a severe rash on his head too. If you want to avoid it, it's the Walmart generic for Pantene Ice Shine)

Anyway, the nurse monitored him, gave him a steroid shot, an Rx for EpiPen, and we came home and the poor tyke got back to bed...which was where he wanted to be all along.

What a traumatic thing for my sweet little guy!

But we were so blessed through it all. His windpipe could have completely closed, and it didn't. He wasn't getting a great amount of oxygen, but it was still okay.
And.... since this is my OCD blog, you know I'll relate this all to OCD. I was blessed in this arena too. Normally hospitals give me the germ heebies!!!

But we spent an hour in the ER, and I didn't even make my son bathe or change his pajamas. In fact, he's wearing the same PJ's tonight. And I didn't come home and shower. Even though I feel like hospitals can be a breeding ground for all kinds of scary stuff, I didn't feel the need to complete compulsions - and the obsessions were minimal.

Maybe it was all the adrenaline in my system. You know, fight or flight....that type of thing.

But, bottom line - my kid is fine, OCD wasn't a party to our ER drama, and life is good.

Broken

2010-09-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just flat out feel like I'm broken. My brain doesn't work right. I'm somehow lesser than everyone else because I just can't cope with the anxieties that beset me. Why would anyone, let alone God, love me?

Today, I heard this song and it just made me cry because it hit home. I thought I'd share it with you guys.
♥ - Shana

Murphy's Out to Get Me Again

2010-09-24T14:03:00.000-07:00

Murphy - or the Universe- is out to get me again. It's a good thing God's got my back.

Today, as I was getting ready to pick my son up from Kindergarten, I happened to look out the front door as I was locking it.

What did I see?

The LawnBuddies guys spraying chemicals all over my lawn! Without warning or notice! (If we owned the place, we would boycott the yardcare companies, but since this is a rental, the landlord has the say and I have no choice.)

If you've followed me for a while, you know that lawn chemicals are the bane of my existence.

So, Murphy (as in Murphy's Law - darn that Murphy!) was out to get me.

If I had been going anywhere else, I would have just put it off. But I had to go get my son from school. I didn't have a choice.

So, I put my other son in the car, gritted my teeth, made sure all the windows were rolled up tight and the vents weren't open, and opened the garage door. Sometimes necessity is great for making me face my fears.

BUT - as gut wrenching as that was, there were a couple of things - tender mercies, if you will - that made me aware and grateful that God is mindful of me.

1. Right as I was pulling out of the garage, ready to face my fears, the lawn guys started wrapping up their hose and placing a sign in the yard. They were done! Now I wouldn't have to worry about overspray contaminating my car.

2. Because it was 11:15 am, I was able to go and get my son and take him to lunch at Subway instead of returning immediately home- giving myself a breather, and giving the lawn chemicals an hour to dry before I even had to face them.

3. The lawn guys came today - Friday. On a weekend where we're going on a trip. Meaning we won't be here for the next few days. Which is nice because A) I won't be looking at the lawn constantly, worrying. B) My husband is coming home from work early- and we'll leave before the neighbor kids even come running through the freshly sprayed lawn, wanting to come in and contaminate my house. and C) You're supposed to stay off of it for 48 to 72 hours. Which means I won't have to keep my kids cooped up in the house for the next couple of days, telling them they can't play on the grass, because we won't be here!. (Can I just say, that would be a nightmare!)

Anyway, I just wanted to post because I'm grateful to my God, who knows me and cares for me. Even though He, in his wisdom, has seen fit for me to contend with this disease, probably for the rest of my life, He has also provided ways for me to bear the burden I carry and tender mercies to buoy up my soul when I feel like I am at my wits end.

A little bit of levity - backwards

2010-09-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

So, I've been going through some fun stuff OCD wise lately. But I haven't had the desire to write about it. Mostly because by the time I get through my day, I just wanna hit the hay.

But, I saw this video on facebook today, and thought it was funny. With my obsessions being about germs and contamination, you'd think I'd be concerned about gross stuff growing in my pillow. But I'm not. And people don't change their pillows very often - and they're fine. It's just the pillow company's propaganda to sell their pillows, I'm sure.

I've come to the realization before that a lot of my germ and contamination phobias stemmed from Lysol and other such companies that use propaganda to sell their cleaning products. Like "Life Demands Lysol. That's a Fact." Are you kidding me? People have lived without Lysol for thousands of years. But without meds, unfortunately, the propaganda outweighs the logic because there's fear involved. Good thing I have my meds now. :)

AN-Y-WAY............. this video is too cute. And you can watch the "making of" video over at sleepbetter.org.

Ummmm...........

2010-09-07T19:40:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what to title this post. Maybe whining? Or complaining? Or venting? Because that's what I feel like doing.

I'm just having a rough OCD day. (hormone induced, to be sure.)

Today just flat out sucked.

But, that means tomorrow can only get better, right?

Hopefully by tomorrow the hormones in my system will have regulated, and I won't feel such a strong need to wash everything in sight. And I'll be able to handle my kids running and playing loudly throughout the house. And I won't have to feel like I'm in control of every blasted little thing. Hopefully.

But if not, then I guess I just ride the wave. Because if there's anything I've learned, it's that OCD is tied to my hormone fluctuations...and this really crappy feeling won't go on forever.

And - it's really nice to realize that I'm so much better than I used to be. Before my meds, all of my days were worse than my really crappy ones now.

So, thanks for letting me whine and complain. I know it will be okay. Sometimes it just helps to vent, a little, you know? Venting done. Now to go do something fun. :)

In a funk, but better than before

2010-09-02T22:27:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post here. It's late and I should be asleep. :)

But the unpacking is going both better than before, and worse than I'd hoped.

Over all, I'm content with my successes (which have been many small things - like not having to wipe down EVERYTHING before letting it be used. Or not having to clean doorknobs and lightswitches from the previous owners)

I'm still in a funk over the stuff that was in my storage room in my last house, though. I wiped it off when we packed it into boxes, but I am feeling a need to wipe it all down again, and I've quarantined that stuff to the dining room. (Because that room has tile floors that are easily mopped when I'm done cleaning things....I'm not about to let that box of crazy out all over our new (to us) soft carpet.)

In the midst of stress over the "dirty" stuff, I also had my house invaded by a guy who used chemicals to spot treat stains in my carpet, I have kids running amok through this new house, and I am dealing with all the fun back to school stuff that is involved in learning the ins and outs of a new school.

Just a little crazy right now, and stress is the word of the day if you know what I mean.

But - all that being considered - this move is ten times better than the other 7 moves we've made since OCD reared its ugly head. I still have freak outs. Which is frustrating for my poor husband. But all in all, I think I'm finally decontaminating all the stuff that has been accumulating over every move. And being able to face it at all day after day is an accomplishment in and of itself. For which I am grateful.

Thanks again, for all you blog followers who sent me encouragement and support on my last post. You guys really do help my self esteem. :)

Yet another move

2010-08-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, we moved to our new house. (Isn't it great? We love it. :D )

-- Mostly. We're still staying at our apartment tonight with our beds and sofa because the gas isn't going to be turned on til Monday at our new house - which means no warm showers - which is a no go for me with OCD.

I know, I know, it seems like we're moving all the time. And we really do move too much for my liking. But- this time it's a good move. It's still in the same town, and we're moving from a tiny, cramped 2 bedroom apartment to a lovely, spacious 4 bedroom house. Hooray!

But - moving and I don't really agree. You'd think with how many times we've moved since I discovered my OCD (7 in all) that I'd have come up with a way to talk myself into it being okay.....

But each time we move, there's something that seems contaminated. And then it touches other things. And there's an "extenuating circumstance" that makes it "impossible" for OCD to sit quietly aside.

For example, this time, we put a lot of our things in storage while we lived short term in this tiny apartment. Where did we store them? At my father-in-law's cabinet shop. Where they manufacture cabinets. So there's sawdust everywhere.

Now, sawdust doesn't usually bother me. But when we were unloading things into our new house, not only were there the "dirty" things like the washing machine that were being handled at the same time as "clean" things like my children's beds, but then things also LOOKED dirty because they had sawdust on them. Despite covering things with a tarp while they were at the cabinet shop, they still got covered in a fine layer of dust.

So, as we started to unpack, I said a prayer. I asked God to help me live with the OCD. I asked Him to help me face the fears that I knew were going to come. And I asked him to help me do the things that were necessary to get us settled in.

And it helped. It really did. For the first half of the day, I did pretty well. Yes, I probably washed things off more than most people would, but I actually did it. And the meltdown didn't come until 3:45 pm - instead of 10 am. :)

At that point, I had done all that I could do without feeling the need to shower (and I really did a lot). Because I wasn't about to get really dirty, then climb in my car to go to the apartment to shower. Because then I'd have to clean my car. Not gonna happen.

Now if I had been really good at exposures and had an iron will, I would have done those things anyway and forced myself to live without cleaning the car.

But it had been almost 6 hours of facing my fears and I was worn out. I wanted to go home and tackle the rest on Monday. When we'd have a shower available without a drive.

But - my husband wanted to get EVERYTHING unpacked. He's very focused and single minded when he decides to do something. Me - I'm kinda wish washy and lazy. ;)

Anyway, he had just gotten done unpacking the garage, and every single dirty thing in there. I mean, there were things that were "contaminated" in my mind, and things that were literally covered in dirt. What does he want to go and do next? Unpack all of his clothes in the closet. Eew!

And I knew that in the state of mind that I was in currently, I'd have to keep tabs on him, make sure I knew everything that he touched - and then go wash it while he was at work. I really didn't want to want to do that.

So, I whined. And he gave in. We quit for the day around 5 pm, and came home and cleaned up.

So - to my dear Jedly - thank you for putting up with my crazy. Thank you for trying to make me comfortable. I love you more than words can say. And I hope I didn't totally ruin the rest of your Saturday.

To myself - Man up! You can do this. No wimping out. Exposures are good for you! Just like brussels sprouts. They may look scary at first, but they're never as bad as you imagine.

Wish me luck Monday. I go to face unpacking the rest of it all.

Could you drink that?

2010-08-21T18:41:00.000-07:00

So I was watching "Man Woman Wild" on the Discovery channel last night. My hubby had the remote. If I had had my choice, we would have been watching some sappy chick flick. But I'm nice. I share. ;)

Anyway, we were watching an episode where a husband/wife team were stranded in the Chihuahua Desert in Mexico. They were suffering from dehydration, and there was no water or edible cactus to be found. So what do they do?

He carves a bowl from a cactus ( apparently the non edible kind) and - yep. He pees in it. Then he proceeds to drink it. And he persuades his wife to drink his pee. Not hers, his. She was a lot braver than I ever could be. She actually took a sip. She about puked afterward, but she did take a sip. YUCK!

I've heard it before that you can drink your own pee once. If you do it a second time, it would be too concentrated and not any good.

BUT - they said something on that show that I hadn't heard before.

They said urine is actually sterile when it leaves your body. And it's okay for a couple of minutes until bacteria start to grow in it.

Well. Who would have thunk?

Does it change anything? Like the fact that I hate cleaning up pee when my boys have an accident. Or the fact that I feel like I have to shower after I clean the bathroom? Not really. But maybe it's something I can work on. Just give me time to digest this new bit of information. :)

P.S. I won a blog award. (See right sidebar). I don't know how they found me. They said reader submissions, but I seriously doubt that. I mean, really, other than my followers (♥ U all ) who reads my little old blog? But still cool. I made it into the top 40 anxiety blogs of the year 2010. Who knew my craziness was award worthy? ;)

Sometimes you just need a good laugh

2010-08-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

So, I found this youtube vid that was put together by kids that went to the same high school as me. Someone posted it on facebook, and I found it hilarious. Partly because my kids are absolute infomercial suckers! They believe 100% of what the ads say.

Needless to say, they all got Snuggies for Christmas. And needless to say, hubs and I were not one bit surprised that they were over hyped pieces of junk. But the kids love them. And I love this spoof.

So, have a good laugh today. You deserve it. :)

Grey's River Camping Trip

2010-08-12T21:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been blogging lately. We were camping in the woods for a week. I mean, really roughing it. Camping in tents, not trailers, and camping in just a random place in the woods...not a designated camp site. The above picture is in the general vicinity where we were. It really is beautiful country and the picture doesn't do it justice.

And camping was actually fun. Surprising, given all the things that can be OCD triggers in the woods without running water......although, we did have a flushing potty. That my husband rigs up every year. Because I used to not be able to poop in the woods. ( I can now, aren't you proud of me? lol) And a whole week without facilities....that just led to one cranky camper! So, my husband invented a flushing potty. What can I say, I'm crazy like that.

Said potty is really really nice.....until he has to take it down. And scrub it by hand. Bowl and all. To store it for next year. yuck! But Jed is amazing. He washes it out( I mean, he's up to his elbows in a potty that's been used by 40 people for a week). Then he lysols the potty. Then he goes and bathes in the freezing cold creek. Just for me. Because he knows I'd go crazy if someone else did it. Because they would probably just clean it and go back to whatever else they were doing. Ew! So, thank you Jed. You are so awesome!

Speaking of my awesome husband, we celebrated our 10th anniversary yesterday. ♥ I'm so lucky to have him. ♥ He's been through hell and high water with this monster called OCD...all of which he had no clue he was going to have to face when we decided to get hitched. (heck, I had no idea it was gonna hit, either.) Jed, in my mind, you are one of the bravest men on the planet. And I love you.

Other things that were overcome while camping:

*Ant Spray (seriously? you ask) Yep. There was a giant ant hill right next to our lodgings, and of course my in-laws were prepared. They had brought ant killing spray to the woods. And they sprayed it liberally. Who does that? I mean, the woods is the ants' home......I mean, other than my fear of pesticides, that just seems wrong to me on a fundamental level. How would we feel if the ants invaded our home, smashed a couple of walls, and then doused us with a lethal toxin? Not very nice, right?

*Garbage. We set up a separate bin for burnable garbage so we'd have less to take out with us. Sounds good, right? Except for the fact that all the kids loved digging through the garbage, which was usually dripping with food and other nasty little goodies, to build the fire. Then they wouldn't wash their hands...and they'd touch everything. But I just gritted my teeth and lived with it. I didn't really have a choice.

*Manure. Our camping spot was apparently inhabited by horses before we got there. Because there were lovely little piles of horse poop all over. And the horses came back each night to leave new little presents for us. And to top it off, we had 6 dogs in camp as well. Who would also leave little presents. But, I couldn't do anything about it, so I just lived with it.

*Other people's cooking. Normally, that's not a huge deal for me. But when you're camping without adequate refrigeration, and you're relying on coolers to do the trick....I don't know...I am just super wary of food-borne illness. But I ate the food anyway. Ate too much of it, probably. And I didn't die. (I did get a little sick to my stomach, but that wasn't too bad!)

*No showers. For a person with contamination OCD, this could have been a huge liability. But, I did get to bathe every day. In a freezing cold creek. Which smelled like fish and had dirt and junk floating in it. How clean can you get with that? Not very. But I lived with it.

Now I'd like to say, Check me out, I'm just so amazing! I faced all those fears and just lived with it!
But, the reality of it was, whenever I had a freak out, I just kept reminding myself that it was only for a week. And when I got home, I would wash EVERYTHING! Thoroughly. So I wouldn't cross contaminate the house.

The logical side of my brain says "Wow. I did this for a whole week, and I didn't get sick. Must not need to worry about these things, then." But then OCD puts the kibosh rather forcefully on that thought the minute I get home. Because compared to all the camping stuff I'm carrying in, my home is really clean. And the stuff I'm carrying in is caked in dirt and smells of campfire. And if it's that gross, well, I'd better clean it so it doesn't get the rest of my house dirty. Because if it does, I might get sick. Or my kids might get sick. And we're back to square one.

Oh well. At least I was able to enjoy myself on vacation. OCD and all.

An Update and an Accident

2010-07-26T17:43:00.000-07:00

So....I'm coming to terms with the uncertainty in my life. You all inspired me with your comments. Thank you for all the kind words and encouragement!

I finally just decided that I'm gonna be irresponsible. Well, irresponsible, as defined by OCD. Becaues OCD tells me that I need to find a place for my family to live. It's my responsibility, and if I don't take care of it, no one will. If I don't take care of it, I'm a failure. As a mother, as a wife, as a person. It is the typical blame game and guilt laying that OCD imposes on us. I mean, who in reality has that much accountability for something so little?

So, I said "Forget this!" and I've not even checked Craigslist yesterday or today. I've decided that I'm going to leave it up to God. Let Him deal with the technicalities and responsibilities. He deals with more stressful things than this all the time. This shouldn't be anything He can't handle. Right? So screw the depression. Let all hell break loose. I'm taking leave of this crazy worry.

So, even though I feel keyed up and anxious, it's much preferable to depression! :)

In other news:

Today my 4 year old son called to me from the bathroom:

"Mom, my tinkle thing (his own term, not mine) is sticky."
Sticky? I thought. What in the world does that mean? So I went in there to check on him.
"What do you mean, Tanner?"
"My tinkle thing is sticky." And then I noticed it. The giant puddle all over the floor.
"Oh Tanner, you missed the potty, huh?"
"Yep."
"What do you mean you're sticky?"
Tanner shrugs. Then he pulls of his underwear and pants that are covered in pee and throws them at me. Pee splatters my leg. Ew, ew ew!!!

BUT

I calmly take his soiled clothes and put them in the wash. I tell him to get in the tub. I go wipe off my leg, then I proceed to clean up the mess in the bathroom. Which was all over by the toilet. An area I try to avoid on a regular basis. But I cleaned it up, washed my hands, and then gave him a bath. I didn't shower like I usually need to after cleaning the bathroom. I didn't even change my clothes. I did have to tell my kids to be quiet and not talk to me while I was cleaning up because I can't handle the distractions when I'm wrestling with an obsession. Because then I can't remember if I "did it right" and I either have to shower or do it again...sometimes both. But luckily, they left me alone for a couple of minutes and I fought my obsessions and won.

All in all, not a bad day. I'll take it. :)

Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down..........

2010-07-25T00:38:00.000-07:00

Have I used that title before? It seems familiar. Besides being a Carpenter's song, I mean.

Well, today was neither Rainy nor Monday. Why am I down? Because my life isn't perfect. And my OCD brain wants things to be perfect.

You see - our current lease contract expires at the end of August. (And this apt. is too small for us anyway.) So we need to find a new place to live by the end of August. And August is full of family vacations, anniversaries, etc - starting this coming weekend. So, we had hoped to have a new home secured before our lease expired....and it would be ideal (yes, that's the OCD talking) if we could get something squared away before we take off on our camping trip next weekend.

But we searched and searched. And we can't find a house that will fit our family that's within our budget.

So the OCD monster takes over and brings Depression to the party too. It goes something like this:

1. I worry because we don't have a house arranged. Obsessively...for hours on end....to the point where I don't want to do anything until this problem is solved. Can I do anything to solve this problem? No. We've searched all over the place and there is just nothing. So I worry. And I don't want to play with the kids. Because this problem isn't solved. And I don't get up to cook dinner. Because this problem isn't solved. And I don't want to crochet (that's usually when I realize that Depression has arrived. Because I LOVE to crochet). Because this problem isn't solved. All I want to do is fix this problem, and OCD tells me that the only way to fix it is to sit and worry about it. I know OCD is lying....but Depression hands me a package of Oreos and tells me to get comfy on the couch. And I love Oreos. And we don't have a house. Nothing's perfect, so I might as well blow my healthy eating habits by eating the whole package.

2. I worry about not having housing arranged by the time school starts. Where do we even register our kids to go to school? Shouldn't we work on getting them registered now? So we're ready when school starts?

3. Oh wait....Chase is short one immunization. He won't be able to get his next dose until 3 months after school starts. It's not going to be a flawlessly perfect registration. It will be a conditional registration. Which means I'll have to do more paperwork and take care of the shot later. (Totally within my capabilities to do, but OCD grips me again because it's not the perfect scenario.)

4. While thinking about Chase's immunizations not being complete, I realize that my other son, Tanner's immunizations need updating. Crap. We don't have a family doctor here yet. And I don't know where the health department is. Both of which require a phone call. Which I don't want to make. Wanna know why? This post by Angela explains pretty much how I feel about making phone calls.

5. Wait - we don't have a family doctor....Who's gonna work with me on my OCD meds? Because it took me FOR-EV-ER to find one who was awesome enough to work with me to find my current med cocktail - because he could do both therapy and prescribe meds! How on earth am I gonna find someone like that again? I'll have to go through various doctors/psychs/etc until someone is willing to work with me here.....Oh wait- maybe I'll just keep my doc in SLC and drive 4 hours one way every 6 months just to get my meds renewed. Yeah, that's practical. And what if I run out and can't get an appointment and he's forever away.........(you know how OCD thoughts spiral downward.......insert more crazy worry here.......)

And all of this because we can't find a house to rent! Geesh! Finally, I am pulling myself out of my depressed slump to at least blog about it, in hopes that it will alleviate some of the stress and worry. It's helped before, hopefully it will help this time. Now I should get to bed. But I don't even have any interest in doing that. Because tomorrow I'll wake up and nothing will have changed. How depressing. And we start the cycle again................

Chemicals at the Park . Again.

2010-07-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

Lest any of you think I'm really close to recovery, I thought I'd share a struggle I'm having today. ;)

Remember this post? Well, it happened again today. I went to take my kids for lunch in the park and ---- yep, they had just spread fertilizer pellets all over.

And I had to talk myself through it. Again. Grr....it was so frustrating! I mean,didn't I already do this? I ignored the fertilizer last time and everything was fine.

But yet again, I had to walk myself step by step through it. My husband was there this time, though, and he's pretty used to my neurotics. So I tapped his brain too. And he was so patient, bless his heart! It went something like this:

ME: Did you see?

JED: What?

ME: Duh? The fertilizer all over?

JED: I hadn't even noticed.

ME : Yeah, most people probably don't, huh?

(Eating lunch)

ME: (looking around at everyone else in the park) So..........I'm like the only person worried about this, huh? Tanner, don't put your hands in the grass!

JED: Yeah, pretty much. Or anyone else who was worried has already left.

ME: (to myself) Really? Should I leave? No! I'm gonna stick this out. There's still a lot of people here who aren't even paying attention to it.

JED: What do you think someone would tell you if you called Poison Control?

ME: (to myself) They'd think I was nuts for calling when my children only touched it. It's not like they ate it or anything.

JED: You could even tell them they only walked on it. (Isn't he intuitive? ;) ) And they'd probably tell you that it was fine, but if they did eat it, here are the symptoms to watch for.

ME:(to myself) Huh. They'd tell me symptoms to look for....not tell me my kid was gonna die......wait a minute...I'm having a realization here!

(aloud): So, I just realized...this started when I was nursing Hailee (8 years ago). I knew you'd have to eat it to make you sick, but what if I got it on me, and because it was on me, Hailee ingested it and got sick? Then I'd feel awful! So - the connection was there that if it even got on me, it was dangerous. But that would only be true if I was nursing...and even that may be a stretch. But I'm not even nursing anymore. But the connection is still there - "if I get it on me, the kid will get sick." How crazy is that?

JED: Really? It goes back that far?

ME: Yep. Crazy huh?

JED: (smiles at me)

So.........I finally worked through it again. And it's taking all I have not to have the kids go scrub themselves from playing in the fertilized grass. But the anxiety went away last time. I am assuming it will this time too.

But isn't OCD great? (heavy sarcasm on the great) Even though I try to talk myself through it, I still have to check with someone else. Just to be sure. Really? Are things safe, really? Are you sure? Better ask someone else. Do they know what they're talking about? How can you be sure?

AAAAARGH! (No that wasn't a pirate noise. That was me yelling in frustration.)

Makes me realize though, that this is probably something I will have to face for the rest of my life. Just because I have a successful exposure once doesn't mean those things aren't going to bother me again. It just means that now, even though I have to keep persisting, at least I have a success in the past to encourage me.

Been a busy beaver......

2010-07-11T23:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy weekend.

*We had friends come from Salt Lake to visit us.
*We took our kids on a hike.
*We took them to a water park - with grody bathrooms.
*We went out to eat - at a restaurant with grody bathrooms ( I swear, they follow me around).
*We had 10 people in a 2 bed/1 bath apartment. ( OCD moment - I didn't have a plunger because I wasn't about to bring the one from our last house on the move with us....moving a plunger? Can I just say Eww!! Anyway, we clogged the toilet, and I got to make a late night Walmart run to buy a plunger. Then the next day, it got plugged again. I plunged it. And got toilet water on me. And I didn't shower. )
*I cooked dinner for 10 - with ground beef and all - and cleaned up the kitchen afterward without showering.
*We swam in the pond.
*We went to a drive in movie.

All prime opportunities for OCD madness to strike.

But it was great. OCD stayed on the back burner and I really enjoyed myself.

Tonight my husband also told me he's noticed how much of an improvement I've made since we've moved here to Rexburg. That was just the icing on the cake of a great weekend.

Shout out to all my readers

2010-07-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

Hey all, I just wanted to give you a big THANK YOU for reading my blog. Knowing that I have someone to report back to is a huge motivator when it comes to facing my fears and doing exposures. And when I fall on my face and life kinda sucks, I know I have someone reading who will be able to sympathize or offer encouragement. And your comments just make my day.

So thanks, guys. You rock!

4th of July - celebrating MY freedom

2010-07-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrated the 4th of July. And it was really fun. Tonight I'm celebrating the small bit of freedom that I had from completing compulsions today. Not to say I didn't have the obsessions. Because I totally did. But I was able to resist giving in to the compulsions and being a completely crazy person. For example:

*We went to a parade (where I gave my kids plastic sacks to catch their candy. Those bags came out of the drawer that was "contaminated" to me. And I let my kids pick up the candy that the paraders threw into the puddles created by lawn sprinklers on the side of the road.)

*We went to a family barbecue (where it was "bring your own meat" and it seemed like e-coli and salmonella were lurking around every corner. I resisted the urge, though to follow exactly who touched what meat - and what they subsequently touched - and what things would then be contaminated. I simply tried to live by the mantra "Ignorance is bliss" and I survived! )

p.s. - these are the ice cream stuffed cookies the kids and I made to take with us.

*We then went to my in-laws house where the kids decided to go swimming in the pond. (The pond full of mottled fish and lovely bits of floating moss and pond scum. They swam. I resisted the urge to pull them out. We had fun.)

*Then we went to watch fireworks. Which was nice, because there were blessedly no OCD triggers for me involved with that! Hooray! :)

Over all, I was pretty impressed with myself handling my fear in a decent way. And the day was great - really great. I am so blessed to have awesome family and extended family to celebrate our nation's independence with.

Hope y'all had a great 4th!

I did this on purpose

2010-06-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

I knew when we moved to Rexburg that I would be exposing myself to something that's an OCD trigger for me.

Chemicals.

Because Rexburg is a farming community. And most crops are doused with chemicals on a regular basis...pesticides, weed killers, etc. And most homes here are close to said farms. They get sprayed by crop dusting airplanes etc etc.
And if you have a green lawn in Rexburg, it's not natural. It's chemical induced - because we're in a desert. The only thing that grows naturally here is sagebrush. ;)

But that was part of the reason I wanted to move here. "What?" You're asking. "You wanted to move closer to an OCD trigger?"
Well, I figured it would be a great big giant exposure for me. I mean, people here are exposed to these chemicals all the time, and they don't die from it. They don't even get sick. If they don't die, then why should I? Or my children? And seriously, this is getting ridiculous. It's time I faced my fears and quit letting OCD make my world smaller and smaller.

It was funny, I started writing this post this morning as my kids were playing. I paused after the second paragraph to take them to lunch in the park and to play in the splash park.

(The Rexburg Splash Park)

And guess what I met at the park? Lawn chemicals! There were fertilizer pellets ~~all over the place~~ on the road and in the grass.

It's as if the universe knew I was trying to be strong and said "Ha, I'm gonna prove you're a wimp. You don't really mean to do this. You're gonna go running scared, just like you always do."

But

I faced my fears. Even though we were sitting on fertilizer pellets, I forced myself to eat my lunch anyway. I did do my fair share of wincing when the kids would touch their shoes, then touch their food. But I didn't say anything to them. I gritted my teeth and just stuck with it. Even though I was PANICKING! I forced myself to stop the perilous OCD downward spiral of thoughts. (thanks, in part, to meds!)

OCD: "The kids are touching chemicals. What if they get sick?"
ME: "Shut up. Just stop it."
OCD: "You're touching chemicals. You need to shower."
ME: "No I don't. Well, maybe I'll just change my clothes when I get home...NO! It's not a problem. Everyone else is sitting here not worried."
OCD: "They're just not informed. If they knew how dangerous this stuff was, they'd be freaking out."
ME: "No! The people who put this fertilizer on the grass knew that people would be on the grass. It's a public park, that's what people do. Just GO AWAY!"
OCD: "The people who put this fertilizer on weren't even thinking about that. How many people analyze these things like you do?"
ME: "True.........No you don't! YOU make me OVER analyze these things. Shut up!"

After about an hour of thoughts like these, I happened to talk to my sister-in-law who was at the park with me.
It went something like this:

ME: "So, Becky, how much do normal people worry about lawn fertilizer? You know, just for a reference, because I know I worry too much."
BECKY: "Why would you worry about it?"
ME: "Well, um....you know, if you ingest it, it could make you sick....." (It even sounded lame in my own ears. Thank goodness for Becky to cut to the heart of things!)
BECKY: "Well, I worry about my kids when they're infants, but other than that, if they just touch it, I'm not worried. It won't do anything."
ME: "Huh."

So, I let my kids run all over that grass. They even laid their towels out on the grass and rolled around in it. Then they wrapped those towels around them. And we're all still alive.

It's about 3 hours later and I'm still in the same clothes and I haven't even changed or bathed my kids...in short, I did nothing about the overwhelming fear. And now, as I'm writing this, the fear has dissipated. On a discomfort scale, I started at about a 10. I'm now at a 3.

WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was hard. And facing my fears will probably always be hard. I will probably still have issues with other chemicals.

But the success that I had today with facing my fear has given me courage to go on and keep at it.

New Home, New Habits

2010-06-14T08:46:00.000-07:00

On so many levels, this move to Rexburg has been hard for me. I think I've done my fair share of complaining.
So, now I'm focusing on the positives.

A couple of things that have been a lot easier since the move are laundry and dishes.

For some reason, changing things up makes life a little bit easier.

I mean, in my previous house, there were certain things that had formed OCD habit pathways in my brain. The laundry baskets were contaminated. The sink was dirty. The floor on the laundry room (besides being a dank, dark cement room in the basement) had been exposed to mold. The cabinets had grime spots from 10 years of being a rental property that I had to touch each and every time I opened them.

Here in this new apartment, I don't have those pathways yet. I started fresh with new laundry baskets, and so far, I have been able to keep them only half full, so they haven't become totally gross and disgusting to me. I just take the basket to the washer, dump the wash in, and wash my hands. - No more showering after doing a load!!!! :)

And my kitchen is about 15 years newer, so the cabinets are in much better shape. No layers of dirt and grime - and the insides are melamine instead of rotting wood! (LOVE :D )
Also, I decided that letting dishes pile up in my sink was going to end. And I've been putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher right after every meal, so the sink hasn't become contaminated in my mind. And I just wash my hands when I'm done, and I can go about my business. What a relief!

It's so weird to feel somewhat normal. I know I still worry more than most people about these daily chores. And there are still things that totally eat me up. But changing things up sure helped get me out of the rut with dishes and laundry. Sometimes I think that OCD has such a strong grip because of habitual reinforcement. The worry starts, the compulsions follow, and then when I try to break free from the habits, the gut wrenching panic that follows is so strong because I've been completing these compulsions every time I feel fear. It's a conditioned response.

It's just too bad that I have to do something as drastic as change houses to break free. But for now, I'll rejoice in my small triumph.

OCD and lawn chemicals

2010-06-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

This is the bane of my existence.
Lawn Chemicals.
   Seriously, people. If you have to douse your lawn with chemicals to make it grow, isn't it time to switch to something else? .....like rocks....or astroturf.....or ..........okay, so I'm out of ideas, but there has to be a better way.
   Yes, I know, people are using these things ~~every time I turn around~~ all the time. And for Pete's sake, the company employees who are exposed to it all the time aren't dying off in a hurry. But this is OCD. There's no rationalizing my way out of it. It could make me or my family sick - therefore I must worry. At least that's what the disorder tells me.
   Today, I dropped my kids off to play with their cousins. They love to play there, and it's one of the perks of moving here to good ole Iceburg- we're actually close enough to cousins to play all the time.
   But when I went to get them tonight, the minute I stepped out of the car, I smelled chemicals. Like overwhelmingly strong chemicals.
   I tried to hurry my family up....get them into the car...and my daughter said "Oh yeah, we have to stay off the grass today because they sprayed stuff on it. We only went on it a few times....to get a ball or something."
   I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to bathe my children right away!
   Luckily it is bath night. (And my kids have been playing hard all week....they kinda stink somethin' fierce.)
   So when we got home, into the tub they went.
   I hate when I have to justify OCD fears and compulsions.
   But....I'm not cleaning out the car. And I haven't washed everything they've touched.

I'm Amazing and I Rock. Bring it, OCD.

2010-06-03T17:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, so moving is hell. But I'm doing it. I even spent yesterday in our dungeon....a room in our basement that was already "contaminated" to me, and then had mold issues on top of that. I cleaned everything up and now it's ready to move. I finally faced what I've been avoiding for 2 years!

Today I packed more boxes and did 3 loads of laundry. My arms and hands are raw from washing, but I did it.
I'd say these two days have been the equivalent of a recovering alcoholic faced with an open bar, a newbie running their first marathon, the final stretch in climbing Mount Everest. It's been a Hurculean effort for me. And it's all in my head.
But. I. Did. It.
Yay me. ;)

Moving and OCD

2010-05-31T18:42:00.000-07:00

Guess what. We are moving on Saturday. When did we decide this? Last Saturday.
   One week, people! One week to pack up my house without going absolutely crazy!
   Because certain things have to be packed in certain boxes. With certain other things. Before packing other things, but after packing other things.
   As if that isn't enough to wear me out, we also have a room that has been contaminated by mold and a garage full of stuff that's been collecting all kinds of dirt and debris.
   My husband is unaffected by OCD. He is also home. Which means he is just gung-ho about packing things up. Which makes me ~~just a little bit~~ a lot bit CRAZY!
   And because of all the stress, guess what OCD does? It increases! Gah!
Okay, I'm done freaking out. I need to go pack more boxes. Because if I don't, my husband will.

Uncertainty..........

2010-05-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

Uncertainty = Anxiety.
Anxiety = heightened OCD obsessions

Therefore

Uncertainty = heightened OCD obsessions.

Basic algebra, right? ;)

I've been having a rough couple of days. Little things tipping me off balance.
Then today I had this conversation with myself.

Me: I wonder why I am so anxious lately. It's not that time of the month.
Myself: Uh, hello? Anyone in there?
Me: What you talkin about, Willis?
Myself: Your husband lost his job two weeks ago. Think that has anything to do with it, genius?
Me: Oh yeah.....I guess between trips to Disneyland, school ending, and my girl's baptism coming up, I kinda forgot we just went through a major life change. Huh.
Myself: Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Yeah, Myself is pretty snarky. Sometimes downright mean. ;)

Anyway, I'm just surprised I hadn't made that connection yet. I think I was in denial. "DENIAL!"
Movie Trivia. I can't ever say that word any more without thinking of this video.

Great movie. :) And has anyone been on the Finding Nemo ride at Disneyland? (Did I mention we just went 2 weeks ago?) That ride is pretty amazing. The kids loved it. Oh, who am I kidding? I loved it. :)

Thankful!

2010-05-20T15:43:00.000-07:00

Remember my stressed out post about Leaks, Mold, and Termites?

Well, guess what?

The exterminator came to check things out today.

And.......................................

NO TERMITES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm jumping up and down, dancing for joy!)

Silly plumbers didn't know what they were talking about.

OCD - the monster with multiple personalities

2010-05-07T16:57:00.000-07:00

Just when you think you've got OCD figured out, it goes and changes on you.

For instance, I wasn't diagnosed with OCD until after the birth of my first child, but I always had the anxious tendencies. Which changed, due to exterior circumstances.

All throughout growing up, I always had a fear of leaving something behind. A purse, a backpack, an incriminating note full of gossip written to a friend (even though I had not written said note), etc etc. So I'd check to make sure. 6 or 7 times. After college, that seemed to clear up.

When I was 10 or 11, I was bitten by a spider while I slept. After that, every night, I had to check my sheets for spiders before I got in bed. I still do it. Silly, I know, but I still do it.

About the same time frame as the spider incident, one time I went to the doctor's office. They gave me a prescription. The people at the pharmacy filled it wrong. With a dosage that could have literally killed me. After that, I was deathly afraid of doctors. (You'd think it would be pharmacists, but no....my kind of crazy doesn't work like that. ;D ) That only stopped when I came to terms with weekly visits with my OB during pregnancy. (At that time, the contamination mutation was rearing its ugly head.)

Anyway, after the birth of my first child, full blown OCD set in, taking the form of contamination obsessions/compulsions. I have finally come to terms with that being the status quo.

Then, today, while I was at the post office, the checking monster reared its ugly head again. I was hormonal from PMS, I had 2 of my kids with me who were alternating between running all over the place and demanding answers to inane questions, and I was trying to figure out if the APC machine had charged me for an extra stamp, and remember if I had put my credit card back in my wallet. So, I was totally stressed out and anxious.

I think I checked about 7 or 8 times to make sure I had put my credit card back in my wallet. Because every time I checked, immediately the question would surface in my head "Are you sure? You were kind of paying attention to the kids. You'd better check again." Or "What if you really didn't put it in there, and you just thought you remembered putting it in there. You'd better check again."

Grr. I'm pretty sure checking won't become a full blown cycle like the contamination issues because I'm on meds now and aware of what to watch for. But when my defenses are down due to stress and hormones, sometimes it's really hard to concentrate on not being obsessive.

On a happy note, I did my running today, and I ran/walked (mostly running) a full 5k today. (3.3 miles) I have previously been at about 2.75 miles or 3 miles per session. But I've registered to run a 5k in a couple of weeks, so it was good to know I could do it. :D

Babysitting

2010-04-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

Last night I took my husband out on a date.

Why? Because I need to go on dates. Seriously, it's right up there with air, water, and food on my list of priorities. And for some reason, Jed doesn't like to plan them. (In his defense, the guy is great at so many other things...planning dates is just not one of them. For instance, he can fix almost anything that breaks in our house - awesome!)

Anyway, I called a babysitter and took him to see Avatar. Which we loved. :)

But when we got home, as I was paying our sweet babysitter, I had a brief moment of gratitude wash over me.

Having a babysitter in your home might not mean much to the average person. In fact, most people would probably recommend it.

But 4 years ago when I was in the very darkest stage of my OCD, there was no way I could invite a babysitter into our house.

Because she would touch things. And then she would touch other things. Which may or may not be contaminated. She would have no idea of the "history" that things in my house had like I did. And heaven forbid, she might do the dishes. (Most people would consider this a sign of a good babysitter.....for me, it would be too much added stress!)

Anyway, thanks to meds and such, I am now able to have a babysitter in our house. Because, I love my children. I really do. But sometimes I just need some adult time, you know?

And by the way - she didn't do the dishes. And I love her for it. ;)

Poop and Meat

2010-04-15T17:16:00.000-07:00

What a title, right?

But I've gotta say, I'm proud of myself. Today, I came upstairs to use the restroom and found my 3 year old on the bathroom floor with poop smeared behind him, on the toilet, and in his underwear.

Normally, this would cause an extreme freakout, followed by cleanup, then a shower - because I always have to have a shower after cleaning a bathroom.

But I was amazed! I calmly cleaned him up, cleaned the bathroom up, then washed my hands (okay, okay...up to the elbows). But I didn't feel the need to shower or change my clothes afterward. In fact, I then went to make myself a snack, not even worrying about what my hands had just been touching. Awesome!

Why did I have such success? I don't know. Possibly meds. Possibly God's intervention. Possibly just good karma. lol

But I am celebrating.

Now I'm cooking ground meat for dinner. (Another very trying thing for me.) And I'm doing well. :) Yay me. :)

Upbeat

2010-04-13T20:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just get depressed. There's no avoiding it.

But I have noticed a couple of things that help.

A. Sunshine. And lots of it. I have to try to get outside...and if it's raining, well, I'm S.O.L.

B. Prayer. At least this way I don't feel like I'm going it alone.

C. Caffeine. Yep. I just made this connection recently. It's amazing how that added boost of energy can help chase away the blahs.

D. Friends. For me, it helps to talk things through. If I can get away, it's always good for me to go and be with people.

E. Exercise. Nothing beats sweating it out on my trusty treadmill.

F. Music. I can't stress this enough! When I just get in a funk and can't get out of it, all I want to do is sit on the couch and stare. At nothing. But I'll drag my bum off the couch an go find some tunes. And it really does help.

These are some of my favorites for snapping out of it:

Numb by Linkin Park

Stronger by Trust Company

I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas

Let it Rock by Kevin Rudolf

Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex

I Want It All from HSM 3

Single Ladies by Beyonce

Never fails. By the end of the music, I'm up on my feet, dancing. Music just has that effect on me.

Anyway, what do you do to break free from depression?

Swimming in Gunk

2010-04-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

I went to Rexburg over the weekend to see my in-laws and their family. It was a great trip. Except for Saturday.

On Saturday, they decided it would be fun to go to Green Canyon Hot Springs and go swimming. I had been once before, a long time ago, before I had OCD. And I remembered it being gross, but I figured, hey, my kids will love it, everyone else wants to go, I'm on my meds, I'll tag along and be a good sport, then shower when I get home. No biggie.

But can I just say DIS. GUS. TING! You walk into the building (it's an indoor pool heated by a natural hot spring), and you're hit by a wall of steam that smells of mold and mildew. Yum.

Then, you go to pay your entrance fee and check your clothing. They give you a bag with a key to put your things in. The bags are mesh and look to be about WWII era. And they are dirty. Yuck! Who knows how many people have put their dirty shoes in these things? And they have most likely never been washed. Gross.

Then you go into the dressing room. And the walls are lined with mold , and you wonder if the building has been cleaned since it opened. Probably not. The dressing rooms have stalls whose doors are covered by a fabric that only covers half the doorway and smells of mildew, is covered in dirt, and also looks to be from WWII era. The cement floor is disintegrating from the minerals and hard water from the hot spring, and is covered in about an inch of standing water that contains what I can only hope was just crumbling cement...it looked like there was mold too.

So, I got dressed, touching as little as possible, trying to ignore the filth I felt. Then, I went swimming with the family. In a pool that hasn't been updated in forever and is showing signs too, of the hard water from the natural hot spring.

Then, we all got dressed, and lo and behold, I was ready to go, but no.....they had brought dinner with them....so not only did we have to swim there, but then we sat in the sauna of a room for another hour and ate dinner there. The whole time I was just wanting a shower! And to bathe my kids......in HEAVILY chlorinated water. It was so gross!

But I did it. And we didn't die. So far. ;)

Today I went to their website, curious as to when the old, disgusting, dilapidated, molding building was built. Turns out, it was 1948. And they brag that the clothing rental system they have now was instituted then too. Are you kidding me!!!!???? 62 years of human filth and mold on those bags. No wonder I was grossed out.

Even my sister in law, who doesn't have OCD or germ issues was disgusted. When I heard that I felt a little bit justified. :)

It's Spring...finally!

2010-04-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

After an Easter weekend full of snow and wet, yucky, cold weather, the sun showed its face today!

I woke to blue skies and thought to myself "Hey, it's gonna be an okay day."

At lunchtime, I took my boys to Subway (gotta love those $5 footlongs. ;D ) and did some grocery shopping. All was going well with my trip. Until I was driving back home and turned onto my road.

There, at a house just down the street, was a TruGreen truck. Just loaded with chemicals. Waiting to make my day a living hell. Because chemicals are one of my VERY WORST OCD triggers.

I tried to look away, but then the TruGreen guy came around his truck, snapping his rubber gloves on. Maybe it was my imagination, but I swear, we had a stare down. He seemed to be saying "Ha. You can't avoid it. Welcome to hell." And my thoughts were something like "Go away, go away, go away."

So, I made it home, and rushed inside (bags and all) hoping to be indoors before he started spraying. Because then who knew what would be carried on the wind?

Anyway, glad for spring to be here, but SO not looking forward to the Spring and Summer in Utah. Who ever thought of trying to grow grass in a desert anyway? With summer heat and water shortages, it would be so much easier if we just did astroturf. The Brady Bunch seemed happy with it. :)

Heart Healthy Salad Recipe

2010-03-31T11:55:00.000-07:00

So, I mentioned in an earlier post how I needed my meds. But my meds also raise my cholesterol.

So, I'm starting to eat better. I'm cutting out red meat, dairy, processed sugars, white breads pastas, etc. Instead, I'm eating more fruits, veggies, lean chicken, fish, and legumes.

Am I perfect at this diet? No. I usually allow myself one cheat day a week where I can have a small bowl of ice cream. (It's my weakness. I can't picture a life without ice cream!)

But, I am noticing a difference. I feel a lot healthier. And I am not as hungry as I usually am all day.

Anyway......the title said I'd share a recipe. So, here is the link to my other blog where I shared my newfound favorite lunch recipe.

To reduce my cholesterol, I've also been exercising. And you know what? I don't usually want to drag my butt out of bed and move, but when I do, I have a much better day as far as OCD symptoms. Bonus! :)

Leaks, Mold, and Termites, oh my!

2010-03-29T13:08:00.001-07:00

I've been putting off posting about this because I wanted to just ignore it and hope it went away.

But it's not going away. Sigh.

So, it all started with a leaky faucet. Sounds like no biggie right? Well, said leaky faucet decided to leak enough so that it started dripping through the floor and into our basement storage room. When hubby went to investigate, it looked minimal. So we fixed the faucet. No prob right?

Well, 1 week later, he ventured into the storage room to find something in a box, and lo and behold, he found boxes that were practically glued to the floor with mold. He said there were a couple of inches of mold. I took his word for it. I didn't want to see it.

Turns out, the faucet wasn't the only thing leaking. Our drain pipe from the kitchen sink had been leaking probably since we moved in here (2 years ago.) Gah! As if the mold wasn't bad enough, it was caused by black water -all that junk from the disposal, dishwasher, etc that I thought I was washing down the drain. At this point, I was struggling not to run screaming from the house.

Well, then our daughter came home from a friend's house. And she instantly broke out in a rash. Turns out, she was allergic to the mold, and when hubs had cleaned it up, he knocked enough of it into the air to really bother her.

So, we got filters and opened the windows and finally a week (full of worrying, obsessing, and worrying) later, the mold cleared up and so did my daughter's rash.

Whew! I was about to pat myself of the back for a job well done. I had made it through the mold, hadn't scrubbed the heck out of everything in site (besides bleaching where the mold had been), and was beginning to think I would get through this mess.

Then we discovered that the plumbers' job of patching the leaky drain pipe hadn't worked. So, we called the plumbers back. They re-patched things, and I thought all was going to be well.

BUT WAIT! I'm just not that lucky. I think the universe is out to get me.

The plumber (who really is a nice guy..it's sad he had to be the villain in this scenario) came upstairs and said "Well, we patched the leak. Just don't use the sink for a couple hours while the epoxy dries. Then it should be good. But if not, it looks like we'll have to pull up some of the cement and get down farther on the pipe. Oh, and by the way you have some kind of bug problem down there. It's probably termites. You'll have to get that taken care of."

Me: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" Okay, okay, I didn't scream out loud. But I sure felt like I should. Because if there's anything that freaks me out more than germs and dirt, it's chemicals. And what do you use to get rid of termites? Chemicals! Gah!!!

(Which is another fascinating side story...... I mean really, when I hate germs and dirt, how am I supposed to get rid of them when I'm just as much or more afraid of the cleansers used to do it..... it's a ridiculously frustrating catch 22)

So, here's hoping a miracle comes through and those termites decide to just die off. If not I may just have to be moving.....anyone have any boxes?

Medication, Medication, Medication

2010-03-13T21:38:00.001-08:00

What do these pictures have to do with my post? Keep reading to find out. ;)

Can I just say quickly, even with how clean this photo looks, the idea of it gives me the heebies!

Anyway, on to the post!

With real estate....it's all : Location, location, location.

For me, it's medication, medication, medication.

I'm coming to understand that unfortunately, medication is a big part of any sort of normal I might experience.

I recently met with my Psych. and he and I decided to cut back my Risperidone to half a dose because I was feeling a little foggy and disconnected.

In a way, that disconnected feeling was good for my OCD because it broke the pattern of "chain of contamination" issues I had. Without meds, I always remembered which things had touched which other dirty things, and how many levels of contamination were on said items.

But with the meds, after a week or two, I noticed myself being able to forget the exact thing that happened to contaminate a certain item, so I could wash said item and get back to regular life. Without meds, I usually ended up throwing contaminated items away because it was just too much stress to face them! - Don't even get my husband started....once I threw away a whole 8 pack of paper towels that hadn't even been opened....all because they were on the floor and got sprayed by carpet cleaners. And then, to my chagrin, the garbage man saw them in our trash bin, pulled them out, and took them home! Ack!!!!!! But I digress.....

Back to meds, though: Even though being disconnected was great for my OCD, being foggy and disconnected was bad when I'd forget things that were coming up in the week, or when I just felt like I wasn't all there...there was always this sense of feeling ..... lost, for lack of a better word. People would ask me to commit to something, and I'd hope and pray I remembered the obligation.

So, we cut the dose in half. It's been a little while, and I've noticed my anxiety level is a whole lot higher. At first I thought it might just be PMS, but this is beyond hormone induced magnification. I am definitely noticing a regression in my thought processes. It's not necessarily that the worries are any worse, but the automatic jump to a ritual compulsion is frighteningly quick. Whereas on the higher dose, I could delay the compulsion, or sometimes even talk myself out of it.

So, it looks like back to the higher dose of meds for me. I know meds aren't for everyone, and there are cons (like being foggy, and having higher cholesterol levels), but for me, these two things are so much more preferable than the literal hell of instant compulsions.

So, it looks like I have to make some lifestyle changes. (On top of working through my obsessive thought patterns. ;D )

A. I need a calendar to remind me of things

B. I'm starting a whole new way of eating to lower my cholesterol...no dairy, no red meat, no processed sugars, and Lots and Lots of fruits, veggies, and fish. And Oatmeal. Yum. Maybe I'll post some recipes on here. I've found some good ones. :)

If you're still reading this, whew! You deserve a prize for sticking with my ramblings for so long. ;)

The good thing about being sick

2010-02-18T09:01:00.000-08:00

The past couple of days I've been sick. Like lay around, do nothing because I feel so freakin crappy sick.

The good thing about it is, when I'm sick, I think a lot less about OCD. I feel so yucky it honestly doesn't matter to me if my kids wash their hands after going potty, or if my hubby does the dishes the wrong way, or if my sheets haven't been washed in a couple of weeks. This stuff takes back burner because I honestly don't care about anything but feeling better.

Huh. Who'da thought there'd be a silver lining to having strep throat? ;)

Guilty by association

2010-02-15T16:11:00.000-08:00

Do any of you struggle with this issue?

I know it's crazy, but here's something that happens quite a lot to me.

If I'm in the midst of doing something anxiety inducing - like, say, doing the laundry - and I happen to even THINK about something else while doing it - say a toy on the floor that I'm stepping over - that object automatically becomes contaminated in my head.

So, the next time I see that toy, the feelings of dirt and needing to wash hit me full force because it was associated with doing the laundry, which provokes those feelings.

The frustrating thing is, I KNOW it's ridiculous. I didn't touch the toy, it didn't get mixed in the laundry, but because it became associated with those obsessive thoughts I was having at the time, it now provokes those thoughts. Even though I KNOW it's not dirty.

As frustrating as that is, it's even worse when it happens with people. Take the same scenario above. But instead of stepping over a toy, my daughter happens to come and ask me if she can put something in her backpack. The path that forms is that either my daughter or that backpack is now dirty.

So what do I have to do? I focus on ANYTHING but my daughter or the backpack. The sky for instance. The laundry in my hands. Singing the battle hymn of the republic. Because those things can't be contaminated.....

And I tell my daughter (probably not very nicely) to leave me alone. And then I get the heck away from her, because talking with her more will just increase those feelings of her being dirty. And I really don't want to give her a bath. She doesn't need one anyway.

It breaks my heart to think that she thinks I don't want to talk to her. I just hope one day she understands that it's not me that's upset with her. It's this monster living in my head.

A little bit of stress relief

2010-02-05T17:47:00.000-08:00

So, it's PMS time for me, meaning hormones are wacky and OCD is through the roof.

Add to that the fact that

A. I'm exposing myself to dirty dishes (with success, but still stressful)

B. My hubby didn't have a paying job - he does web design, but the last couple of months have been pretty dry.

C. We didn't have enough money (see B.)

D. I haven't had an outlet for enjoyment for awhile, ie movies, eating out, dates with the hubs. (see C.)

E. I've been crocheting like a madwoman, trying to make enough money at Etsy to help float through this financially tight time. (something I really enjoy - but suddenly not so much)

All that being said, I've been a little crazy lately. Okay. A lot crazy. :)

BUT Tonight I have reason to celebrate.

My hubby got a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With benefits.

And possible promotion within 90 days.

I am on cloud nine. I made brownies today. I think I'm gonna go eat the whole pan. ;)

Dishwashing progress

2010-01-30T22:57:00.001-08:00

I. Did. It.

I washed the dishes. Right after dinner. And I didn't shower afterwards. (doing a victory dance!) (wondering why? see my previous post. )

There was a brief freak out when my 3 year old came and dumped a cup into the sink while I was washing. And milky water sprayed all over me - in my face, on my shirt.... immediately I felt dirty all over.

But luckily my hubby was there to take my sweet, innocent little child out of the room so I could think through things. And when I say think, I mean forcibly wrestle with my obsessions.

And I did it. I talked myself out of feeling like I needed a shower. I finished washing the dishes, forcing myself to not think about all the drops that had landed on me.

I did allow myself to change my shirt, but hey, baby steps, right?

And after about 30 minutes of ignoring the panic from not completing my ritual, the worry subsided and I felt okay with things. Success!!! Hey, it doesn't happen often, so I'm gonna really celebrate when it happens. :)

Now if I can just keep doing dishes after every meal so they don't get grody and disgusting, I think I'll be able to do this thing.

Goal for the week

2010-01-27T22:37:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a page out of another blogger's book and setting myself some actual goals this week.

Well....one goal. Baby steps, you know. :)

In reading through the various blogs I follow, sometimes it strikes me just how differently I view the world. OCD literally affects EVERY aspect of my day. Sometimes obviously, sometimes almost unconsciously.

One thing that I have been thinking about a lot this week is doing the dishes. For me this is usually what happens:

A. I worry about germs (ie salmonella, e coli, etc) from what I've cooked at dinner. Excessively. To the point of handwashing up to the elbows. Repeatedly. I don't want to touch the dirty dishes any more than I have to, so I avoid doing dishes after dinner. By that time I'm fried just from facing my fear enough to cook dinner!

B. I go to bed. I wake up to a kitchen sink full of dirty, crusty dishes. But somehow, when I'm fresh in the morning, I have more gumption to face my fears.

C. I do the dishes. And scrub the counters.

D. Then I shower. Yep. Every time. Sometimes I will do some chores in between, like throw a load of laundry in the washer (because that's also something I have to shower after doing). But typically, I only do "dirty" things after I've done a load of dishes.

And can I let hubby or kids help? Not on your life. The thoughts that go through my head when I contemplate letting them help: "They don't know what's been "contaminated" and who knows where they'll spread the germs because they won't wash like I do when I'm done."

Silly, I know. But when it comes right down to it, the fear is overwhelming beyond any sane thinking.

SO, my goal for this week: Do the dishes right after dinner. No. Matter. What. And NO SHOWERING ALLOWED. And no avoiding touching things afterward either.

I'm writing it down so I'll be accountable. Y'all will keep tabs on me right? :)

Organization

2010-01-22T13:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, so January hit and I decided that I was going to get organized. No, it wasn't a New Year's resolution, believe it or not. My family is going through a lot of stress right now, so I put the stress to work instead of sitting on my couch eating cookies until things got better. (Believe me, I REALLY wanted to sit on my couch and eat cookies!)

BUT, I got to work on rooms in my house that were becoming OCD avoidance areas for me. You know, the places that had so many layers of "contamination" that I just completely avoided them. Like the pile of shoes by the front door. The hallway closets where everything got piled because I couldn't put them where they went, because their real homes had been contaminated. The pile of junk on top of my dresser. Etc etc etc.

And you know what? I was really surprised. A lot of these things were things I usually avoided, but as I started to clean them up and organize them, I realized how much of a blessing it was to have these areas reclaimed in my life. And I felt such a sense of accomplishment about getting something done!

The biggest surprise, though, was in how I felt while working on these things. I thought for sure that I would feel way over anxious just going through them.

But I was able to look back on how I would have behaved in the past. (I probably would have thrown a bunch of the shoes away, for example, because they were so dirty.) Whereas now, I was able to organize them, find the ones we don't need anymore (too little for growing kids), and put them in the donation pile, and move on with life.

When I think about the differences in my reactions, I sure am grateful for my meds! I think I've finally been taking them long enough that the fear is dissipating enough that I can rationalize through my fears and consequent behaviors. But it only works for habits I have avoided for a while. I mean, the things I face every day, like laundry, are still a high anxiety producing event for me, and I don't know if I'll ever be free of those compulsions.

But things like shoes, that I haven't touched or thought about for a while, and the habit of worry is broken, I can re think my way around those things.

Sorry for the long rambling post. I'm just so grateful that I can see a difference in where I am today and where I was 3 years ago. 3 years ago, I wanted to die. If I wasn't so afraid of death, I probably would have seriously considered suicide. (How's that for irony?)

Now, while I still have obsessions and compulsions I face on a daily basis, I at least feel glad to be alive and grateful for the small successes along the way.

Christmas Dinner

2009-12-23T15:00:00.000-08:00

So, my family usually travels for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Why?

(Don't tell them this...they think we go to see family ;) )

We travel so I don't have to cook a turkey. Like I'm going to stick my hands - up to my elbows no less- into a dead, germy carcass to pull out something slimy. Riiiiiight. Then I'd have to shower and scrub my kitchen and everything I had possibly thought about touching while preparing the turkey.

BUT...

It's time to start our own family traditions. Including a Christmas dinner.

So, this year I'm cooking a turkey. Yay me! :) But before you go patting me on the back, here's what I'm cooking:

A Butterball bone-in Turkey Breast! No hands up to elbows in germs for me!

Besides, the whole turkeys were way too much meat and way too expensive for our family. (My hubby and I would eat it, the 3 kids would pick at it.)

This is way more cost effective, and there won't be any waste. (Okay, I know I'm justifying, which means I really haven 't conquered my fear after all.)

But hey, we're having turkey. This is probably as close to normal as my poor family gets....let's just hope they have no clue about the avoidance that's really going on. ;)

Amnesia?

2009-12-19T21:08:00.000-08:00

The other day I was watching a show where a guy got amnesia. Now I know, tv is pretty much not reality. But I got to wondering.....if a person with OCD got amnesia, would they remember they had OCD? Hmm....better see if I can find someone to hit me upside the head with a bat....I'll let ya know how it goes. ;)

Christmas

2009-12-14T14:22:00.001-08:00

So many things have happened since I blogged last. I am so stinkin busy!

But, I just wanted to say, I am proud of myself. Instead of buying a live Christmas tree this year, I fought my fears and pulled out the fake tree. I know that may not seem like a lot to you, but it's HUGE for me! Because we've had this tree for 9 years. And it has been "contaminated" so many times, in my mind.

But, I decided to brave it this year. I am going to ignore all the layers of contamination and only see the ornaments and lights. Okay, okay, I DID have my husband set it up. I couldn't bring myself to do that. But I HAVE decorated it and touched it multiple times AND let my kids touch it....all without handwashing.

So, the anxiety is still high with it, but in my mind, it's a victory.

Providentmoney.com

2009-09-05T23:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, I know. Busy busy busy.....

But I just had to take a minute to let you guys know my husband's website is finally up and functional. (yay, I'm so excited!)

Http://www.providentmoney.com

That's the address. It's a great site for helping you make important financial decisions, like when to rent vs. buy, how to save for college or retirement, when to get/refinance a mortgage, etc.

Check it out. Join for free. Use the calculators, run "what if" scenarios. Visit the "learning center" and read articles about these subjects. And soon, you'll be able to connect directly with professionals near you.

O.C.D. and a new job

2009-08-13T19:29:00.000-07:00

Well, our family has joined the ranks of other Americans hit by the economy. I've had to get a job ( I technically have 3) to make our finances work.

Where did I get a job? Hobby Lobby. :D I spend so much time in craft stores that I figured that maybe I should work there.

Anyway, as always, I tried to figure out how many ways this could affect my obsessions/compulsions. The only thing I could really think of was if I had to clean the bathrooms. If I have to do that, I seriously don't know what I'll do. I don't even like to clean my bathrooms at home! ;)

Anyway, today was my first day, and as I watched the safety videos, all the ramifications were brought home. Cleaning supplies. Spills of sealants, varnishes, etc. All kinds of chemical possibilities. I am sincerely hoping that I'm put in an area like floral or fabrics and won't have to deal with some of it. I shudder to think of facing those situations.

But, on the other hand, today we unloaded a shipment and restocked the floor and I didn't feel the need to complete any compulsions! I was so proud of myself! I had the intrusive thoughts, sure, like: how there was dirt everywhere...on the floor, the boxes, the truck, etc. About what that mysterious white powder was on the flower stems. About who has previously touched all these things, and what they had previously touched. About EVERYTHING was made in China...and who knows what substances the Chineese will put into their products.

Anyway, I am proud to say that those little niggling thoughts were just that...little. I couldn't help but wonder at my "normalcy" as I was able to dismiss them.

So....maybe there's hope for me. I guess I just need an audience. I do tend to do better with my OCD when I know there will be people I need to impress....then it seems easier to hide my obsessions. Hmm.....I guess the real test will be when they ask me to clean the bathrooms.

Possible Scrupulosity

2009-08-01T23:33:00.000-07:00

I always thought that my OCD was related only to contamination. I mean, really, that's what most of my compulsions center around: excessive washing/showering, not touching "dirty" things, that kind of thing.

But lately, I have really been struggling with religion. My religion has always been a cornerstone of how I believe/act, and it influences almost everything I do. So, when I started to question things and have doubts and wonder if it was all a bunch of brainwashing, I started to worry.

And when I started to worry, I started to obsess. Hmm...

I struggled for a couple of months, not feeling like I had anyone to talk to. I don't really have a therapist I can just call and chat with, and my mom/husband/friends are all memebers of the same faith as I am, and I felt like they would have all freaked out if I had expressed doubt. (which only reinforced my brainwashing theory.)

ANYWAY, I finally ended up talking to a good friend one day whom I really trust. I finally just decided to brave the waters and discuss religion with her, even though she would probably judge me for it.

But you know what? She was so compassionate, I don't know why I worried before. And from our conversation, I was able to come to a lot of conclusions that have really helped me.

For example, we both were able to talk about being on anti-depressants and how they made us feel. And for both of us, the meds made us feel like we weren't as "spiritual", or like the whisperings of the Holy Ghost weren't there any more.

This made me think, once I had some pondering time to myself. I began to wonder why meds would have that effect on me...was it all just brainwashing, or was there some missing connection between me and the heavens now? What did I really believe?

And I think I got down to the root of it.

I never realized that OCD affected my faith in God/eternal salvation. In looking back through my life, my belief in God/heaven has always stemmed from fear. "What will happen if I don't pray enough?" "What if I'm not reading my scriptures often enough?" "What if I'm not perfect?" "What if I die tomorrow? Will I go to hell?" That type of thing. Almost to the point of being magical thinking, or never having that feeling of "enoughness" that's so typical of OCD.

And then, I realized that the medication is taking away that fear for me. I no longer feel like I'm not good enough, I no longer feel like God is condemning me, I no longer feel the panic at the "What if I die tomorrow scenario" that was so prevalent before.

What a huge relief! To not feel the constant guilt (that I hadn't realized was my constant companion before) was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

But it also concerned me. Because if guilt and fear were no longer motivation for me, I realized that I needed to have faith.

And I wondered if I did.

So, I've been doing some soul searching. My hubby has been amazingly supportive, even when I told him I wasn't sure that I wanted to practice the religion that we belong to anymore. He just put his arms around me and told me that he wanted me to be happy. Wow, I am so lucky!

Anyway, I have done a lot of thinking. I even spent a week in nature (family camping trip), and just tried to get down to the bare bones of things.

And I came to the realization that I do believe these things I have been taught my whole life. It's just that now, I don't feel the guilt any more. I have taken the obsessive worry out of it. I am free to be human, to make mistakes, and to not worry about being perfect and if God is going to hate me. It is such a freeing experience to find that I can believe in my religion because I want to believe, not because I have to believe.

Yet again, I am so thankful for my meds. They're really helping me clarify how my life should be.

No, I'm not dead

2009-06-24T06:09:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in a while. For those of you who may be concerned, I'm still alive and kickin. ;D

I think I haven't had the desire to post lately, though because I'm having a lot of success with my current med cocktail. OCD has kind of taken a back burner to life....instead of vice versa as it usually is. And I tend to post more when I'm having issues.

Now that I say that though, just watch, I'm gonna have a major setback...lol! Anyway, for now I'll just focus on being grateful, and get back to life. :D

A little uplifting video

2009-06-08T09:45:00.001-07:00

Most of you probably know by now that I'm pretty religious. My beliefs affect all that I do and think. So, it's probably no surprise that when I struggle with OCD, I turn to my Father for help.

Something He has reminded me of lately is that in my struggle with OCD, I am stronger if I am in service to others. It pulls me out of myself and helps me to realize that I'm not alone in suffering. It's not always easy. In fact, most times it's a big sacrifice on my part. But it is always worth it.

In light of that, I thought I'd share this video. I love it. Enjoy.

Cheap Diapers

2009-06-01T13:48:00.001-07:00

Why did I ever think it would be a good idea to buy generic diapers?

Oh yeah....cause I'm dirt poor and wanted to save a couple bucks.

BUT

I just bit the bullet and I am now in love with the name brand diapers!

Why did I fork over the extra cash?

Because I was sick and tired of washing bedding!!!!

I have two little ones who still wear diapers at night time, and boy, let me tell ya...every single night, one or both of them would pee so much it leaked all over their blankets. Which for a normal person is bad enough. But couple it with OCD and boy, was I getting stressed out!

Anyway, I figured it out, and on average, I spend about $4 more per box for the name brand...or between $8 and $16 more a month.

BUT:

* I save so much time not having to do all that extra laundry.

* I save $ on laundry detergent and the water I'd use, too.

* I have less showers per day (yes, it's an OCD compulsion for me to shower every time I do a load of laundry) - so less shampoo and conditioner used, less water used, and more time to be with my family.

So overall, it's probably about sixes...yes the sticker shock is still a pain in the butt when I fork over the extra cash for the pricey diapers. But really, I'm saving about that much in other costs, and I'm that much closer to having a normal sanity level.

A little hope

2009-05-22T22:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's my meds, or if I'm just being incredibly blessed, but things have been getting a little easier for me in OCD land lately.

Like tonight. I was in Walmart. Had to pee. Used the public restroom.

Sounds like a cakewalk, right? Well, for me, that's a huge step. Public restrooms are bad enough, but Walmart restrooms are usually worse than most.

Anyway, I did it. And I didn't die. ;D

There are some other small accomplishments, but it's late, I'm tired, and I can't remember much now...I just had to share with you my small little joy. :D

Hope you're all having a decent day.

Swine Flu

2009-05-02T22:09:00.000-07:00

Okay. I'm doing it. I'm writing about swine flu.

BUT

I am writing to say that I am not worried about it. Me. With OCD. Who is terrified of germs, diseases, contamination, etc.

If you look at almost any other cause of death (influenza, car wrecks, etc), the numbers are infinitely worse, and you don't see the media making a big deal out of those things.

Seriously. Your chances of contracting swine flu...minimal.

Your chances of dying from swine flu.....even more minimal.

And trust me. I worry about these things.

You wanna know what I think? I think the media is grasping at straws for something to divert America's attention away from the havoc Obama is wreaking. Because Obama is their golden boy. And we wouldn't wanna tarnish his reputation, now would we?

Geez, media. Stop being so alarmist. If I'm not worried about it, what's your problem?

Hormones

2009-04-29T08:57:00.001-07:00

I have been paying attention lately to when my OCD days are the worst. And I am absolutely convinced that hormones have a huge part in my bad days.

About 2 days after PMS hits, my OCD gets really bad for 2 or 3 days. Every month. Never fails.

Huh.

Well, at least now I know when to expect bad episodes. You know, I've always hated my period...maybe I should just go have my uterus removed.....(you know I'm kidding).

4/14

2009-04-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

Yay! Today is my birthday! And it is an awesome one so far!

My hubby has been incredibly thoughtful, and I am loving my new Palm Centro! (thank you Jed!)

I love this model because:

A) It has a QWERTY keyboard....no more punching 7 four times to get an 's' when texting!!!!

B) I can sync it with my computer.

C) It has calendar/scheduling capabilities...so I always have my calendar with me.

D) It has task list capabilities, so I can stop wasting little scraps of paper on last minute grocery lists.

E) It came with Sudoku on it...now I know that is a retarded reason to like a phone, but I LOVE Sudoku. lol!

F) It's not hugely bulky.

Anyway, I just had to get that out of my system. I've really been enjoying playing around with it and figuring out all the little perks and quirks.

Also, I thought I'd add in a trivia section. I did a wikipedia search for April 14th , this is what I turned up for my day in history. (Okay, it is beyond official...I am a total nerd....tech gadgets and history on my birthday...I know, I know.) But on to the trivia:

Happenings (according to Wikipedia):

1828 – Noah Webster copyrights the first edition of his dictionary.

1865 – U.S. President Abraham Lincoln is shot in Ford's Theatre by John Wilkes Booth.

1912 – The British passenger liner RMS Titanic hits an iceberg at 11.35pm in the North Atlantic, and sinks the following morning with the loss of 1,517 lives.

1956 – In Chicago, Illinois, videotape is first demonstrated.

1958 – The Soviet satellite Sputnik 2 falls from orbit after a mission duration of 162 days.

2003 – The Human Genome Project is completed with 99% of the human genome sequenced to an accuracy of 99.99%.

People I share a birthday with: (Again, according to Wikipedia)

1866 – Anne Sullivan, Helen Keller's teacher (d. 1936)

1941 – Pete Rose, American baseball player

1960 – Brad Garrett, American actor

1977 – Sarah Michelle Gellar, American actress

And, people who have died on my birthday: (Once more, Wikipedia gets the credit) (what's with all the musicians?)

1759 – George Frideric Handel, German composer (b. 1685).

1995 – Burl Ives, American singer and actor (b. 1909).

2007 – Don Ho, American musician (b. 1930).

Now, for my birthday wish...... *blows out candles* I wish that all of you will have as fabulous a day as I am having! Make it good!

Changing it up

2009-04-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

I've been really blessed lately. I've had a good week for OCD symptoms. I think there are a couple factors involved.

First of all, I have a guest staying with me for 2 weeks. My friends went on a trip overseas, and they left their daughter (who is good friends with my daughter) with us. I was worried at first that this would be incredibly trying for me with OCD, because it's hard to have people unfamiliar with my habits, compulsions, etc interrupting said habits and compulsions.

But, it's been really good, actually. Since I don't want this girl to feel awkward because of my problems, I've had to adapt and change my patterns and habits. (Which I should have done earlier, to tell the truth. I mean, shouldn't my family be just as important to me as a guest?)

Anyway, the week before she came, I went through and cleaned my house, targeting all the "dirty" spots for me. I worked hard on getting laundry done (which involved numerous showers, to my dismay, but it's done now!), I wiped down lightswitches and doorknobs that were a problem for me (if you're wondering what my problem was with those, refer to the beginning of What About Bob?), and I even got a new trashcan. My old one was a step-can, which had become increasingly grody and junk encrusted over the past 5 years. So, I got a new, basic one with no lid, no bells and whistles, just a good old fashioned trash can. And I put that garbage can into a new place. (totally changing the habit!)

I also adjusted the time I completed my compulsions to when my family is asleep, which gives me more time with them, and gets the house in order for everyone to go around the next day, free of worries that they'll touch something that's "dirty" to me. The down side of that is that my free time that I previously used to write on my novel and work on my Etsy store has drastically diminished. But isn't that the fair way for things to be? I mean, I'm the one with the problems with things, so shouldn't it interrupt my time and not limit my family?

Which made me think about things harder than I have in a while. Then I began to feel guilty. If I could do this for our guest, I should be able to do it for our family. Because when I have OCD problems, usually I ask my family to adjust for them instead of trying to adjust my own behavior. I began to realize just how selfish I really am. I mean, if there is something dirty to me, I shouldn't have my family avoid it. I should clean it up, cutting into my own time and comfort level so that they can continue in their normal life instead of having their activities curtailed on my account.

So, I still have the symptoms. And the same things still feel dirty to me. But I have realized that there are greater adjustments on my part that I can make to help my family at least have a somewhat normal life.

And as I thought some more about things, I also realized that this is all possible because I am on my meds.

2 days ago, when my 4 year old peed all over the bathroom and I had to clean it up, I just did it. I didn't yell at him, or become angry because he had put me in a situation that caused me intense anxiety. I cleaned it up, so our guest could still use the bathroom. Which is totally because of my meds. Without meds I was a cranky b****, and probably would have grounded my poor son.

Anyway, this week has left me feeling encouraged. Because even though I still have problems, there's hope of adaptation that can make things easier for my family.

The Invisible Enemy

2009-04-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

I want you to close your eyes.

No wait. Then you wouldn't be able to read this post. lol.

Anyway, I want you to put aside reality for a minute and imagine with me.

I want you to imagine that you wake up suddenly to find yourself in a cramped, cold, dark place.

You pull yourself up to your feet, wondering where you are. You are terrified because you are alone and no one knows where to find you. How will you get out? And then you hear something. Breathing. And snarling. And then you're more afraid because you're not alone. Out there, in the darkness, something is circling. You gasp. An excited growl echoes softly off the walls. He is toying with you. Enjoying the exponential growth of your fear.

The adrenaline starts to flood your body. Your ball your hands up and find they are slick with sweat. Your eyes strain, trying to see in the darkness. Your breath comes in quick, shallow gasps, which in turn makes you dizzy. Ice flows through your veins.

And then you realize something that really gets you panicky.

"Wait!" you think. "I'm completely unarmed!"

From the darkness you hear an evil chuckle. It sends shivers down your spine and you know instinctively that your enemy has no such handicap.

You whirl around, trying to find the source of that creepy laughter and you trip over a boulder. You go sprawling to the floor, and you cower in fear.

The enemy approaches. Now is his time to strike.

For many of us with OCD, this is the type of fear we feel on an every day basis. The emotions are just as strong, and the enemy is just as invisible.

Travelling

2009-03-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

Travelling is something that is both hard and easy for me, concerning OCD.

Hard: because I have to pack and unpack. Both of which involve washing laundry (which I hate. :D), cleaning the car, and disrupting my daily pattern.

Easy: because when I am somewhere else, the OCD is not as noticeable because I don't have a "history" with the new place. After a couple of days, the OCD kicks back into high gear because I've had a couple of days to watch and observe, and note everything everyone does in that place to make things "dirty."

Which means, that if I am okay for those first few days, I should be okay all the time. Because wherever it is that I am travelling to has a "history" already. The only thing that changes is me being aware of it. Which means, yes, it's all in my head. But that's the nature of the beast.

Maybe I just need to be a nomad that moves on every couple of days with disposable clothing. lol!

According to Jed

2009-03-19T22:33:00.001-07:00

I never thought I'd see the day. My husband has joined the blogging world!

His blog is mostly about financial stuff....if you're interested, go check it out.

AccordingtoJed.

TV offer

2009-03-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

I was recently approached by PinkSneaker productions to apply for a place in their upcoming project with TLC. They are airing an episode about OCD and I guess they found my blog. :D

While I was flattered for a moment by their interest, I am definitely going to have to give this a thumbs down. It would wreak total havoc on my life to have a camera crew following me around everywhere.

I mean, I have a love/hate relationship with "habit" and "the familiar". OCD is worse for me when my personal space and habits and patterns are invaded. When I am not in control of those/ the situations around me, OCD flares up into a big ugly monster. (sometimes, believe it or not, it's just a little nuisance of a monster. lol)

At the same time, I really should try to break out of habit and familiar circumstances, because when I do venture out of the normal, my OCD is better. BUT, it's only when I am the one initiating the change.....yeah, it's all about control. I am a control freak. What can ya do?

Anyway, as for the request to air my life on public tv, I am politely, but firmly turning it down. I do think the world needs to be more acquainted with OCD and the reality of it all. But I'm not the one to do it.

Creating....

2009-03-02T21:37:00.001-08:00

Something that always seems to help draw me out of my ever shrinking OCD world is being creative.

Whether it's writing on my novel, composing music, knitting, sewing, what have you, when I am creating, I'm not obsessing. The nagging fears and worries seem to melt away as I become completely engrossed in whatever particular project I have picked up.

If I could have a day where I didn't have to clean, do laundry, cook, handle the garbage, etc etc etc, and I could just spend time letting my creative energies out, that would be my ideal day. :D (I know, I know...avoidance. ;D)

But even more than that, when I am creating, it is filling a very real need for me. I crave the creative process. It soothes my soul.

And I've heard all the greats were a little crazy...Mozart, DaVinci, what have you. Maybe I'm destined for greatness? Ha!

Anyway, I found a video online about creativity that I absolutely love. And of course, I am going to share it with you! :D Enjoy.

Prayer and Gratitude

2009-02-25T21:19:00.001-08:00

I feel a little shamefaced after my last post.

It was written in the throes of an OCD episode. Obviously I'm not doing my best thinking at those times. :D

But I was sitting at the dinner table tonight after my family had all eaten and left the table. And I was thinking about how I had prayed at the start of the week to be able to handle my OCD when it came to cooking. I was starting to feel a little depressed because obviously tonight was a bad episode.

But then, in the stillness as I contemplated, the Holy Ghost touched my heart with a brief instant of clarity.

I could almost hear the words, spoken directly to me "But you did it."

And it was amazing how quickly my attitude changed. I found myself thinking "Yeah, I did do it. It was hard. But I did it."

My feelings changed from despair and frustration to gratitude and maybe just a teensy bit of pride. I know I wouldn't have been able to do it by myself. I had been helped. I still had to struggle through my OCD, but I had been given the strength to do it. I hadn't succumbed to the desire to just bag it and order takeout. I had actually done something that was hard for me, but was beneficial to my family.

I know, this may seem like a small thing. But it is at these times that I realize that the tender mercies of the Lord are always there, but sometimes not noticeable until we take time to sit, be still, and listen.

With a disorder like this, it is easy to forget that He is there, or that He cares about me. But in the still quiet moments, He reminds me, ever so gently, that He is there. And He loves me.