So, I was approached recently by a publisher's agent to review a book for OCD.
Free book on OCD? Ok. :)
So, they mailed it to me, and I opened it up last night.
BUT - here's the crazy part. They sent it in one of those padded mailers. And when I went to open it, I used scissors. And I cut into the wrong part of the mailer.
Post-consumer recycled paper dust flew EVERYWHERE.
My first thought was of course the contamination possibility. Then my next though was how ironic this was for a person with contamination OCD to open up a book on OCD - only to have to face her fears.
Anyway, I've got to say, I'm a lot better now that I used to be. I was able to push aside the thoughts of "Oh no - anthrax" , or "What was this stuff before it was recycled - toilet paper?", or "What if I breathed this in and now I get sick?" and was able to vacuum things up and then only wash to my elbows. And then go on about life normally.
Life is good. And I am so thankful that I am in a place now where I can look back and see how far I've come.
Anyway, I hope to finish the book by the end of the week - and then do a review for you guys.
Wednesday, February 29
Wednesday, February 1
Contamination OCD and cleaning the bathroom
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| picture source |
I HATE cleaning the bathroom. It's my least favorite room in the house. Followed by the kitchen, then the laundry room.
So, I thought I'd detail my cleaning process - so you can see how this OCD'er tackles one of her worst fears.
1. First, I put on disposable gloves. Disposables are great! I've never understood why you'd want the regular rubber gloves that you keep forever. Because you put them on so you don't dirty your hands. But then, if you don't wash the gloves - they are DIRTY the next time you go to use them. Hello - cross-contamination. NOT an OCD'ers best friend.
2. After I have my handy dandy disposable gloves on, I squirt the toilet cleaner in the bowl of the toilet. Then I toss those disposable gloves. Because I'm worried about toilet germs - and because I might have gotten toilet cleaner on them. Even though I watched carefully to make sure I didn't. (Total obsessive thought, I know.)
3. Then, I get a new pair of disposable gloves. Once I'm garbed up, I grab my Clorox Wipes. They are my favorite, right after disposable gloves. AND - let me just say - this is a HUGE improvement for me with OCD. Chemicals are right up there on my feared list - right behind germs. It's such a catch 22. I'm afraid of the germs, but I'm also afraid of the chemicals. SO, the fact that I'll even use chemicals in the first place is a big deal for me. (Okay, so I'm suited up in nitrile gloves. Sue me.)
4. I wipe down surfaces in this order, from least dirty to most dirty, in my mind. And it HAS to be in this order.
*Mirrors, lightswitches, and doorknobs
*Sink and cabinetry
*Floor and scale - everywhere EXCEPT by the toilet - that comes later
*Bathtub edge that collects dust
*Toilet from top of tank down to the bottom, EXCEPT For the underside of the toilet seat
*Floor around the toilet and garbage can
*The underside of the toilet seat.
(Seriously, I wonder - how many people take this much thought into which item they clean first due to it's contamination level? Is this something that only plagues OCD'ers?)
5. Then I scrub the toilet. It's had a good 10 minutes for the cleaner to sit, so bonus. :)
6. Now I toss the gloves. :) I mean, seriously - who would want to save gloves that have cleaned the toilet?
7. Now I have to shower. EVERYTHING I was wearing goes in the laundry to be washed. (Hence why I fear the dirty laundry. All my clothes that get put in there do so because they are contaminated, not just dirty.)
8. I clean the shower - since I have to get in it anyway - with Comet - but it has to be the soft scrub. Because the powder makes such a mess - both at the store and at home. I'm always afraid to buy the powder because it never fails that the cans are covered in a fine dusting of it - and then everything I touch after that is contaminated. But I really like the soft scrub with a good sponge. And the sponge I will rinse out well and save for next time.
So, there you have it. That's how I face one of my fears. I know there's probably room for improvement. And maybe one day I'll be able to do it without the intense fear that comes with obsessions.
Tuesday, January 31
Flip of a switch - Drop of a Hat - Whatever - Sayonara, Sucker!
I don't know what, or why, or how - but tonight at dinner, Depression disappeared.
I was sitting at the table, talking with my family - and it was like a switch just flipped. All of a sudden, things were interesting. I actually felt interested in what was going on around me. I felt hope. I wanted to crochet again. (I know depression's really bad when I don't even want to crochet. )
It was like night and day. With no warning. Bam! Hit me like a ton of bricks. Okay, so there's 3 cliches in one post. I think that's enough. :)
Maybe it had to do with the fact that I had a nap this morning.
Maybe it was because the sunshine decided to come out to play today.
Maybe it was because I downed a Diet Mt. Dew an hour before dinner.
Maybe it was because today I resisted ALL junk food (except for the Diet Dew) - even though that's all I wanted to eat.
Maybe it was because I fixed a dang good and delicious dinner. And burned nothing. lol
Who knows? Maybe my brain just had enough of being depressed.
Whatever the reason, I'll take it. And now I'm going to go crochet and watch Drop Dead Diva. Have you guys seen that show? I ♥ it. :)
I was sitting at the table, talking with my family - and it was like a switch just flipped. All of a sudden, things were interesting. I actually felt interested in what was going on around me. I felt hope. I wanted to crochet again. (I know depression's really bad when I don't even want to crochet. )
It was like night and day. With no warning. Bam! Hit me like a ton of bricks. Okay, so there's 3 cliches in one post. I think that's enough. :)
Maybe it had to do with the fact that I had a nap this morning.
Maybe it was because the sunshine decided to come out to play today.
Maybe it was because I downed a Diet Mt. Dew an hour before dinner.
Maybe it was because today I resisted ALL junk food (except for the Diet Dew) - even though that's all I wanted to eat.
Maybe it was because I fixed a dang good and delicious dinner. And burned nothing. lol
Who knows? Maybe my brain just had enough of being depressed.
Whatever the reason, I'll take it. And now I'm going to go crochet and watch Drop Dead Diva. Have you guys seen that show? I ♥ it. :)
Monday, January 30
Blame it on the Rain....
Okay, how many of you now have this song stuck in your head?
Oh, how music videos have changed.
Anyway, still fighting the depression. And we haven't had any rain to blame it on. But we haven't had much sunshine either, so I'm gonna blame it on the sun. :) I think we had a little bit on Friday around 10 am, when I was in the shower - it was coming through my bathroom window.....but none all that week before that, and none since. I really miss the sunshine. (The big yellow one's the SUN!)
And lest some of you think I'm perfect at fighting this, I have had some donuts. :)
Oh, how music videos have changed.
Anyway, still fighting the depression. And we haven't had any rain to blame it on. But we haven't had much sunshine either, so I'm gonna blame it on the sun. :) I think we had a little bit on Friday around 10 am, when I was in the shower - it was coming through my bathroom window.....but none all that week before that, and none since. I really miss the sunshine. (The big yellow one's the SUN!)
And lest some of you think I'm perfect at fighting this, I have had some donuts. :)
Tuesday, January 24
Just checking in
Not much to say today. Except that depression is here hard core. It's been going on for about a week. And I have some idea that I know what's causing it.
No, scratch that - I am 100 % sure that I know what's causing it. Messed up chemicals in my brain responding to a situation that I have no control over. Go figure. :)
Anyway, I'm toughing this one out.
*I'm eating healthily and exercising, even though what I want to do is sit on the couch and eat a dozen donuts. But I know I'll feel better after Zumba and a Green Smoothie than I would trying to fight off the sugar coma that comes from eating a dozen donuts. (Yes, I've been there. I know exactly what that's like)
*I'm trying to find ways to help other people - because service does help me get out of my own head for a bit.
*I'm doing what needs to be done instead of curling up in bed for a nap. And yes, I have a super soft down comforter on my bed that'scalling screaming my name.
*I'm taking my B-12 supplements. I'd gotten out of the habit lately. Maybe that's part of the problem?
*I'm listening to music I enjoy.
And most of all, I'm just "being". - Trying to not worry about what's coming tomorrow - or later today, for that matter. Trying not to worry about my place in eternity - or if there is an eternity. Trying to focus on just being here, in the now, and not feeling guilty that I'm not enjoying it. Trying not to feel anything. Trying to just be. Isn't that kind of Zen? :) And I'm getting pretty good at it. Until the kids get home from school, anyway. Kids don't wanna just be. They wanna be LOUDLY. ;)
No, scratch that - I am 100 % sure that I know what's causing it. Messed up chemicals in my brain responding to a situation that I have no control over. Go figure. :)
Anyway, I'm toughing this one out.
*I'm eating healthily and exercising, even though what I want to do is sit on the couch and eat a dozen donuts. But I know I'll feel better after Zumba and a Green Smoothie than I would trying to fight off the sugar coma that comes from eating a dozen donuts. (Yes, I've been there. I know exactly what that's like)
*I'm trying to find ways to help other people - because service does help me get out of my own head for a bit.
*I'm doing what needs to be done instead of curling up in bed for a nap. And yes, I have a super soft down comforter on my bed that's
*I'm taking my B-12 supplements. I'd gotten out of the habit lately. Maybe that's part of the problem?
*I'm listening to music I enjoy.
And most of all, I'm just "being". - Trying to not worry about what's coming tomorrow - or later today, for that matter. Trying not to worry about my place in eternity - or if there is an eternity. Trying to focus on just being here, in the now, and not feeling guilty that I'm not enjoying it. Trying not to feel anything. Trying to just be. Isn't that kind of Zen? :) And I'm getting pretty good at it. Until the kids get home from school, anyway. Kids don't wanna just be. They wanna be LOUDLY. ;)
Thursday, January 19
OCD, perfection, and repetition
So - I didn't notice I had OCD until I was 21.
But long before that, I always strove for perfection. I was very much a perfectionist. But I didn't realize it at the time. I was so much so, that if I couldn't get something right the first time, I would avoid it. Especially in social situations.
I always wanted to be the center of attention. But a moment would come for me to speak up, and I'd get so befuddled in my head with what I wanted to say that I'd either really screw it up or or just be too afraid to say anything, for fear I'd get it wrong. Then I'd spend hours rehashing in my head what I would have said. The same thing. Over and over and over. Until it felt right.
I didn't even think about this being related to OCD.
But this morning at Zumba, I said something to a friend on the way out of class. Then, all the way to the car, I found myself repeating the same phrase over and over in my head. It was a meaningless phrase. But it didn't feel right. Had it come across right to my friend? It almost became a rhythm to match my steps as I walked to the car. By the time I'd repeated it 6 or 7 times in my head, I caught myself and what I was doing. How was this any different than checking a lightswitch? Or a doorknob? Or an iron? Or a stove?
Yep, OCD has found another way into my life.
I am grateful, though, that I have the ability to realize it, and to keep it in check. And - that it only happens in my head and not out loud.
I've been realizing lately that my daughter is showing signs of this.
Often, she'll tell me a story or something that happened to her. Then, a couple minutes later, she's back telling me the same thing. Then she'll come back again and say the part that was significant to her over to me again. Then, I'll hear her mumbling the same thing over and over.
My poor girlie. It worries me that she will end up like me. Not that I'm not a fabulous person. :) Despite my mental illness, I think I am pretty darn awesome. lol. But I think all parents want the best for their children. And I really don't want her to have to suffer through this garbage.
But long before that, I always strove for perfection. I was very much a perfectionist. But I didn't realize it at the time. I was so much so, that if I couldn't get something right the first time, I would avoid it. Especially in social situations.
I always wanted to be the center of attention. But a moment would come for me to speak up, and I'd get so befuddled in my head with what I wanted to say that I'd either really screw it up or or just be too afraid to say anything, for fear I'd get it wrong. Then I'd spend hours rehashing in my head what I would have said. The same thing. Over and over and over. Until it felt right.
I didn't even think about this being related to OCD.
But this morning at Zumba, I said something to a friend on the way out of class. Then, all the way to the car, I found myself repeating the same phrase over and over in my head. It was a meaningless phrase. But it didn't feel right. Had it come across right to my friend? It almost became a rhythm to match my steps as I walked to the car. By the time I'd repeated it 6 or 7 times in my head, I caught myself and what I was doing. How was this any different than checking a lightswitch? Or a doorknob? Or an iron? Or a stove?
Yep, OCD has found another way into my life.
I am grateful, though, that I have the ability to realize it, and to keep it in check. And - that it only happens in my head and not out loud.
I've been realizing lately that my daughter is showing signs of this.
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| This is my 9 year old girlie. Isn't she cute? :) |
Often, she'll tell me a story or something that happened to her. Then, a couple minutes later, she's back telling me the same thing. Then she'll come back again and say the part that was significant to her over to me again. Then, I'll hear her mumbling the same thing over and over.
My poor girlie. It worries me that she will end up like me. Not that I'm not a fabulous person. :) Despite my mental illness, I think I am pretty darn awesome. lol. But I think all parents want the best for their children. And I really don't want her to have to suffer through this garbage.
Friday, January 6
Youtube reading my subconscious?
My husband sent me a link to a youtube video about service today. That's not the video I'm sharing here. :)
The video I am sharing here was a suggested related video. How it's related? I have no idea. The content isn't similar, and it wasn't shared by the same person. Perhaps Youtube is now as relevant as Google ads and knows my every move before I even think it? ;)
Anyway, the poor girl in this video reminds me of me at my worst. I pray she finds help for her issues.
The video I am sharing here was a suggested related video. How it's related? I have no idea. The content isn't similar, and it wasn't shared by the same person. Perhaps Youtube is now as relevant as Google ads and knows my every move before I even think it? ;)
Anyway, the poor girl in this video reminds me of me at my worst. I pray she finds help for her issues.
Sunday, January 1
A word about meds
I know I was excited to go off all my meds, just a bit ago.
But now I am back on Prozac. I am still off the Risperidone and I will never go back!
I didn't start taking the prozac again for OCD, though. The OCD was still in check. And Prozac didn't do anything for OCD anyway.
I am taking the Prozac so I don't kill people.
When I was off the prozac, even the smallest, stupidest thing would send me into a rage with no warning. It was scary. I was scared for anyone who crossed me. (Which could have been done by doing something as simple as sneezing loudly.)
I wonder if it was because I didn't taper of the prozac like I did the risperidone. What I was experiencing may have been withdrawl symptoms. The surgeon just told me not to take it the day before my surgery, and then I felt so crummy for so long, and I was taking all kinds of pain pills and antibiotics anyway, that I just forgot to start back up.
So - we'll see. I have been back on the prozac for a couple of weeks, and I am on a much more even keel. Maybe I just need help.
Who knows? Life as me is constant craziness. At least there's something constant in my life. :)
But I am determined to try harder to get off the prozac too. I plan on eating more whole unprocessed foods (I've had a bit of junk over the holidays), exercising at least 60 minutes a day, getting out into the sunshine more, and some kind of meditation/relaxation. Then I'll try tapering this time.
But now I am back on Prozac. I am still off the Risperidone and I will never go back!
I didn't start taking the prozac again for OCD, though. The OCD was still in check. And Prozac didn't do anything for OCD anyway.
I am taking the Prozac so I don't kill people.
When I was off the prozac, even the smallest, stupidest thing would send me into a rage with no warning. It was scary. I was scared for anyone who crossed me. (Which could have been done by doing something as simple as sneezing loudly.)
I wonder if it was because I didn't taper of the prozac like I did the risperidone. What I was experiencing may have been withdrawl symptoms. The surgeon just told me not to take it the day before my surgery, and then I felt so crummy for so long, and I was taking all kinds of pain pills and antibiotics anyway, that I just forgot to start back up.
So - we'll see. I have been back on the prozac for a couple of weeks, and I am on a much more even keel. Maybe I just need help.
Who knows? Life as me is constant craziness. At least there's something constant in my life. :)
But I am determined to try harder to get off the prozac too. I plan on eating more whole unprocessed foods (I've had a bit of junk over the holidays), exercising at least 60 minutes a day, getting out into the sunshine more, and some kind of meditation/relaxation. Then I'll try tapering this time.
Friday, December 16
White Elephant
So tonight, we went to a Christmas party, complete with the whole White Elephant gift exchange experience.
Do you know what happened to come home with my husband?
A plunger filled with candy bars.
What are the odds that a person with contamination OCD would get a plunger as a white elephant gift?
I tell you what - give me odds and I'll beat them. That darn Murphy likes to play games with me.
Now, I know that the plunger was probably new. But there's just something about eating candy from something that's used in toilets that just gives me the heebies. Hubs is a-ok with that. More candy for him.
Do you know what happened to come home with my husband?
A plunger filled with candy bars.
What are the odds that a person with contamination OCD would get a plunger as a white elephant gift?
I tell you what - give me odds and I'll beat them. That darn Murphy likes to play games with me.
Now, I know that the plunger was probably new. But there's just something about eating candy from something that's used in toilets that just gives me the heebies. Hubs is a-ok with that. More candy for him.
Thursday, November 24
Thanks - Giving
Today I give thanks for:
my family:
*My husband who's one of the kindest people I've met.
*My children for the joy they bring to our home.
*My parents and siblings and for the upbringing I had.
*My in-laws for their wonderful support and love.
I give thanks for being sick. Yep, that's right, you heard correctly. I give thanks for being sick. :) I had a horrid migraine today coupled with a cold and was still recovering from surgery. My youngest son had a bad cold and was puking all day. So we stayed home from the Thanksgiving festivities. BUT - I'm thankful for being sick - because the moment you feel better is one of the best moments in life - ever. I love that day when you wake up and go - WOW! I feel great! You can't experience that without being sick first.
I give thanks for smoked turkey. And a mother in law who will cook it, so I don't have to get my hands up in that turkey's business. :)
I give thanks for the sunshine. Today as I was in the shower, it was shining through the window, and it felt so good to soak up the sunshine along with the hot water.
I give thanks for my awesome plastic surgeon, Brian Bruggeman. And for my new perky figure, albeit still bruised.
I give thanks for green smoothies, The China Study, and B-12 supplements. They really amped up my recovery from OCD. It's hard to believe that because of those changes, I can live life medication free. Woot woot!
I give thanks for my husband's job. It's the most stable job he's had in years, and it's so nice to feel somewhat secure.
I'm thankful for my internet addictions : facebook, Etsy, and pinterest. Where would I be without my daily escapes?
And most of all, I'm thankful to be me. There have been so many times in the past several years that I've wished I could be anybody else. But I'm finally at a place where I am content with who I am. Am I perfect? Is my life hunky-dory / white picket fence worthy? No. But it's pretty darn great, and I couldn't be more blessed.
my family:
*My husband who's one of the kindest people I've met.
*My children for the joy they bring to our home.
*My parents and siblings and for the upbringing I had.
*My in-laws for their wonderful support and love.
I give thanks for being sick. Yep, that's right, you heard correctly. I give thanks for being sick. :) I had a horrid migraine today coupled with a cold and was still recovering from surgery. My youngest son had a bad cold and was puking all day. So we stayed home from the Thanksgiving festivities. BUT - I'm thankful for being sick - because the moment you feel better is one of the best moments in life - ever. I love that day when you wake up and go - WOW! I feel great! You can't experience that without being sick first.
I give thanks for smoked turkey. And a mother in law who will cook it, so I don't have to get my hands up in that turkey's business. :)
I give thanks for the sunshine. Today as I was in the shower, it was shining through the window, and it felt so good to soak up the sunshine along with the hot water.
I give thanks for my awesome plastic surgeon, Brian Bruggeman. And for my new perky figure, albeit still bruised.
I give thanks for green smoothies, The China Study, and B-12 supplements. They really amped up my recovery from OCD. It's hard to believe that because of those changes, I can live life medication free. Woot woot!
I give thanks for my husband's job. It's the most stable job he's had in years, and it's so nice to feel somewhat secure.
I'm thankful for my internet addictions : facebook, Etsy, and pinterest. Where would I be without my daily escapes?
And most of all, I'm thankful to be me. There have been so many times in the past several years that I've wished I could be anybody else. But I'm finally at a place where I am content with who I am. Am I perfect? Is my life hunky-dory / white picket fence worthy? No. But it's pretty darn great, and I couldn't be more blessed.
Tuesday, November 22
Update on PMS and OCD
For those of you who care - I am doing better today than I was yesterday. The hormones seem to be dying down. Finally!
I also came to a realization.
Part of why I was so worked up yesterday was because I felt like I had no control. Duh. Isn't this the OCD'ers worst nightmare? To not have control of a situation?
Anyway, yesterday, I felt like I couldn't control things. If I could clean up the contaminated areas, then I would be able to function like a normal person. But - I couldn't clean up the areas that were contaminated because I didn't have a clean bra to change into. Seem like a crazy leap in logic? Well, who ever said OCD was logical?
Anyway, if I cleaned up all the areas that were contaminated, then I'd have to shower. And I'd have to change bras - because everything I was wearing while cleaning would have to be washed. And I didn't have a new bra clean - because I'm not strong enough yet after my surgery to do a load of laundry. So I have to wait for my husband to do it. And it wasn't an option to go without a bra - because I'm supposed to wear one 24 hours a day for 6 weeks post-op.
So - I sat in my own incompetence and stewed. And anyone who crossed into that contaminated area that I couldn't do anything about faced the brunt of my hormone fueled wrath. Fear fueled the wrath - feeling incompetent fueled the wrath - and hormones sent it over the top. What a load or garbage, right? I'm seriously thinking about sending this blog post to my landlord so he can know what kind of havoc he wreaks by trying to solve a non-existent problem. Grr.
Okay, so maybe all the anger isn't gone. lol. But it's subsiding. I was able to clean things up today, and that helped a ton with the feelings of incompetence and lack of control. I know it's a compulsion to clean. But - it's seriously easier to do a compulsion than to live with the uncertainty during PMS. And if I have to go through 3 or 4 days a month where I complete compulsions to keep my family happy - so be it.
I also came to a realization.
Part of why I was so worked up yesterday was because I felt like I had no control. Duh. Isn't this the OCD'ers worst nightmare? To not have control of a situation?
Anyway, yesterday, I felt like I couldn't control things. If I could clean up the contaminated areas, then I would be able to function like a normal person. But - I couldn't clean up the areas that were contaminated because I didn't have a clean bra to change into. Seem like a crazy leap in logic? Well, who ever said OCD was logical?
Anyway, if I cleaned up all the areas that were contaminated, then I'd have to shower. And I'd have to change bras - because everything I was wearing while cleaning would have to be washed. And I didn't have a new bra clean - because I'm not strong enough yet after my surgery to do a load of laundry. So I have to wait for my husband to do it. And it wasn't an option to go without a bra - because I'm supposed to wear one 24 hours a day for 6 weeks post-op.
So - I sat in my own incompetence and stewed. And anyone who crossed into that contaminated area that I couldn't do anything about faced the brunt of my hormone fueled wrath. Fear fueled the wrath - feeling incompetent fueled the wrath - and hormones sent it over the top. What a load or garbage, right? I'm seriously thinking about sending this blog post to my landlord so he can know what kind of havoc he wreaks by trying to solve a non-existent problem. Grr.
Okay, so maybe all the anger isn't gone. lol. But it's subsiding. I was able to clean things up today, and that helped a ton with the feelings of incompetence and lack of control. I know it's a compulsion to clean. But - it's seriously easier to do a compulsion than to live with the uncertainty during PMS. And if I have to go through 3 or 4 days a month where I complete compulsions to keep my family happy - so be it.
Monday, November 21
PMS, OCD and chemicals
It's that fabulous time of the month again. That time when I wish I could rip out my uterus and be a man. Gahh! Seriously - we women have enough on our plates - why do we have to have hormones to top it all off?
Anyway, lucky me - right as PMS hormones went crazy and OCD was on red alert - my landlord stopped by to help fix our furnace. Which would have been a good thing. But he brought chemicals along to the party. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!
Of course I am talking both about him and about myself when I say stupid. Stupid him because we were doing fine without the bug spray. WTH was he thinking? We didn't need it - why bother to douse your home with useless chemicals? They don't even affect spiders anyway, which were the only bugs we had been seeing lately.
And stupid me because now, everywhere he and his sons went and touched is contaminated for me. The laundry room, the crawl space, the entry way, several door knobs - the carpet they tramped on on their way out of the house. Crappity crap crap. I know it's all OCD. And it drives me insane because I feel powerless to make the worries go away. Try as I might, it just gets worse if I think about it at all.
I have been fighting it since Saturday. I am hoping that by tomorrow, my hormones will regulate and I'll get feeling back to normal.
This has got to stop. Because when I get anxious and worried like this, I get cranky. I mean, I'm already cranky because of PMS, but I am about ready to strangle my poor sweet innocent children - all because they keep getting in the way of my compulsions and unknowingly getting into stuff that's contaminated. I feel this intense rage - that is so unlike me. I just want to be by myself - I wish everyone would just go away and leave me the freak alone.
Anyway, venting done. I'm hoping that it's just PMS and things will get back to normal once these frickin hormones subside. I'll keep you posted.
Anyway, lucky me - right as PMS hormones went crazy and OCD was on red alert - my landlord stopped by to help fix our furnace. Which would have been a good thing. But he brought chemicals along to the party. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!
Of course I am talking both about him and about myself when I say stupid. Stupid him because we were doing fine without the bug spray. WTH was he thinking? We didn't need it - why bother to douse your home with useless chemicals? They don't even affect spiders anyway, which were the only bugs we had been seeing lately.
And stupid me because now, everywhere he and his sons went and touched is contaminated for me. The laundry room, the crawl space, the entry way, several door knobs - the carpet they tramped on on their way out of the house. Crappity crap crap. I know it's all OCD. And it drives me insane because I feel powerless to make the worries go away. Try as I might, it just gets worse if I think about it at all.
I have been fighting it since Saturday. I am hoping that by tomorrow, my hormones will regulate and I'll get feeling back to normal.
This has got to stop. Because when I get anxious and worried like this, I get cranky. I mean, I'm already cranky because of PMS, but I am about ready to strangle my poor sweet innocent children - all because they keep getting in the way of my compulsions and unknowingly getting into stuff that's contaminated. I feel this intense rage - that is so unlike me. I just want to be by myself - I wish everyone would just go away and leave me the freak alone.
Anyway, venting done. I'm hoping that it's just PMS and things will get back to normal once these frickin hormones subside. I'll keep you posted.
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